Let's Talk About Love (Part 1 of 2)

So, since beginning transition, over the previous year, I have dated three people. The first, Paul, not so much. Basically he was my first experience with someone liking me, calling me cute and first time someone kissed me as a woman.

And then came Antonio, or as I like to call him, Giant boy. I think he found me just at the right time and yes, it was most definitely about sex. Quick, no emotional connection and goodbye. And no, that is not what I intended but sadly that is what I got.

I actually thought I only make mistakes once but this was actually the second time I made that very mistake. Do you remember way back when, when I went out dressed for the first time? The night that I had my, gulp, “walk of shame.”

To round out my list of relationships, there was Keith. Now he was a much different beast; from top to bottom, from inside to out, he treated me like a woman.

In the beginning I was happy and did everything I did to play it cool; even when he started telling me how much he cared, I maintained my composure. But to tell you the truth being almost a year on estrogen and being as the doctor said, “in puberty” I could tell you that, without a doubt it was the most difficult thing I have ever done.

We did everything together and we did it in such a short time frame that my head started to get a little cloudy. Over a two month period he had spent the night more than a dozen times. He took me to the movies, dancing, walks and even a wine tasting.

I remember lying in bed with him early in the morning with my arm draped across his chest while I caressed his biceps.

“You make me feel so normal.” I said and then kissed him on the cheek. I remember how it was the first time, since I began transition that I did not feel the need to get out of bed.

“You are such an amazing woman Kendra, you saved me.” He responded as I felt him relax as if he had drifted off in thought.

The turning point of our relationship really began that day. We had just went to dinner and a movie; not that it matters but it was “Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children.” I was honestly surprised that he held my hand throughout, especially since he quite sternly warned me that he was against all forms of public displays.

“Are you staying tonight?” I asked as Antonio made the turn down my street.

“Of course, I wouldn’t miss it.” He answered and leaned into kiss me. “I need some therapy tonight.”

I am not going to go into what he meant by therapy but needless to say, if you think about it a minute I am sure you will figure it out.

As soon as we returned home I handed him the remote. Honestly I think I was being everything I thought a man would like. He sat down and I followed by lying my head on his shoulder. He turned the TV on to a repeat of his favorite show, “Everybody Hates Chris” while I began to daydream about a future with Keith.

“Do you think, maybe, one day we could start a new life together, move to California, just you and I?”

“Yea, like that would ever happen.” I thought but restrained myself from speaking. “Well, to be honest, I could never leave Marcie and Jamie; they are everything to me.” I said just before I realized that was not a very nice way of putting it so I continued, “But who knows where we will end up.”

Perfect timing Keith, I was very close to telling him I loved him and then he had to go and make me think.

We watched our usual 2 episodes and then he took my hand, “Come on baby, time for bed.”

(GRAPHIC LANGUAGE/ADULT SITUATIONS CENSORED)

Oh how proud I was of how proficient and talented I had become with my oral skills in two short months. It had quickly become Keith’s favorite. I remember our first night together working tirelessly for hours and feeling like I was getting nowhere and now, I controlled how long with a complete knowledge of what made him feel good.

For a man that confessed how much he liked to make me work for it, he must have been disappointed in himself after only lasting about five minutes. Even so, I had finally worked up the courage to tell him I loved him. Yes, while I working to please my man I had planned it all out. The moment we started to cuddle I was going to look him in the eyes and just say it, “I love you Keith.”

Alas, it wouldn’t make it to that point. (You can glaze over this part if you like) Before I even had a chance to swallow, Keith did what men do, opened his mouth and only stupid came out. “Just to let you know Kendra, I might be moving back to Boston in the spring.”

Okay, here is what I wanted to do.

“Are you fucking kidding me? We hadn’t even finished having sex and you felt the need to blurt that out? I was going to tell you how much I loved you…Idiot.” And then punch him in the arm for good measure.

Instead this is what I did.

“I remember you telling me you missed Boston. Well, at least we have until spring.” I said and then rolled over, facing away from him before I lost myself in thought. Thoughts about how much I hated him for saying what he did, when he did.

“Is everything okay?” He asked as soon as he noticed I wasn’t wrapped around him like I normally was.

“Everything is fine…it’s just fucking dandy.” I responded before I pretended to drift off to sleep.

#Keith #Kendra #Relationships