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I waited until this moment to write this, I wanted to take time and reflect on my life. I wanted to be purely retrospective without all the bullshit of what, why and how.
I have often said my past life is becoming something of a dream, like the people and places are all blending together to form what sometimes feels like real people and places. Over the last twenty-four hours I meditated and lingered on those dreams that include you.
I am not sure I have ever told you this but seventeen years ago, like a miracle, you reached down and rescued me from the depths of hell. I had already convinced myself that I was a waste of human life-until you came along.
Immediately thereafter you taught me heart.
I remember lying in bed with you, talking about, well, really nothing and everything at the same time. I remember how deeply you cared about people, animals and the world. Up until that point I never wanted to see the good that surrounded me, but you were there to drag me along behind you.
You taught me love.
Upon my reflections, I can honestly say, until you I have never truly loved a woman; I can honestly say too, I will never love another woman again. Through your heart, I could see the world again, something beyond myself and when on one of those rare occasions when we made love, I was making love to your dreams, our dreams together. 15 years ago, back when I denied who I was, I remember lying next to you think…I can be normal and from that grew the realization, I was truly in love.
You taught me romance.
This one might surprise you a bit (and I am absolutely sure you won’t remember) but, soon after the time I began to transition, I came home from a doctor’s visit. I told you I cried all the way home about how happy I was and how grateful I was for everything you have done for me. I so wanted to take you in my arms and make love to you. You were, at that moment my entire world. At that moment I would have conquered the world for you if you would have asked.
You taught me strength.
When I first met you talked often about how you were a survivor and how you learned at a young age to take care of yourself. Believe it or not, I did not know what that meant but somehow as I watched you work, one business after another, you taught me that strength, you taught me what it means to take care of oneself.
And you taught me courage.
You have always faced your problems head on, no looking back. Sometimes you get tired of the constant struggle but now after all these years, I understand. You, my sweet, everything, the only woman I will ever love are so much smarter than me for which, I will be forever grateful.
You knew we were two different people at two different places. Yes I knew it was coming and yes somewhere down deep, I knew we had reached that point but I was in complete denial. Of course I am sure that notion would surprise you but… The one thing I have discovered about myself, with my time with you is, I panic and often threaten to run when I feel something cannot be resolved. You have taught me so much that I find our stubbornness matches in intensity. You saw white, while I saw black and the instant that I thought we would never resolve our differences I had to go; but understand that I never thought it real, I felt lost, confused and felt as if it was my last chance to stop the collapse.
I wrote a very important letter to Tony about a month ago. I do hope he understand I really did feel like that, I meant every word. He was my… lifeline. But over the last month and after 24 hours of reflection, I have come to terms with the fact that although I love him, he is also my poison.
I have grown bitter for his total disregard, total callousness; in a world where I gave him everything, forgave him for total betrayal and loved him almost unconditionally, I have realized that I do not think, even if asked, it would be possible for me to forgive him. I wish him luck, I do; thanks to the heart you gave me, I do not want anything bad to happen to anyone but at the same time I can no longer live feeling unwelcome or uncomfortable in my own house.
You used to say with such conviction that we were together forever. Don’t get me wrong though, I get why you and I got to this place and time but it was that conviction that made me believe that no matter what, no matter where I was, I would eventually come home to you.
And you said… “Fly free.” I hated you for saying those words, to me it was going against everything you had taught me over our years together. I countered with vile, bitterness and you said it again.
Yes Kimberly, you were right, you knew even better than I. As I reflected over those fading dreams I often refer to as my past life, I realized those words were the wisest words ever spoken.
Kimberly we were everything to each other; you were my wife, you were my lover, you were my sister and you were my friend. I took your lover away, I will always be sorry for that but…I believed you when you said, we will make this work, we have an unbreakable bond and I truly loved you with all of my heart.
And then as I began to learn about myself and you began to adjust to having a wife we began to discover I was no longer the person you married. If someone asked me to guess at the moment that I believe we no longer had that sisterly bond, I would never be able to answer. Honestly though, I think we both discovered it at the same time
But I believed in my heart we would always be friends. I believed that, that would be enough to keep us partners for life. And as weekends passed as we lived different lives my world began to collapse. I got angry, not at just you but myself also. That friendship, I felt, was the only thing keeping us together. I panicked.
And I know now December 30th was what brought us to today. I realized we rarely spoke and we did it felt forced. You had your concerns and I had mine you worked during the day, I at night. And the day you returned home after you and Tony broke up, I tried to approach you, comfort you but I was at a loss for words, I felt for you, I did but I have never been in that situation…you see, the love of my life, the only love I have really had was still with me.
I could no longer give you anything. I was not your sister, I was not your wife, and at that point we were no longer friends. Yes, that is the day I lost both you AND my childhood friend. Kimberly, I was alone, I felt devastated, in retrospect I think I felt as my world disappeared that night.
I am sorry about how I reacted, I am even more sorry for no longer being your friend. (I didn’t know how to be)
And we come full circle. After I took a breath and reread your wise words, “Fly free” I realized you were trying hard to tell me it is okay. You said those words as a friend. I saw the strength in those words and I made myself feel it.
I will always love you, I will do everything possible to help you if you need it but now, after everything you have taught me, it would be irresponsible for me not to admit to myself that when I do leave, neither one of us will be able to return.
I hope we never divorce, I hope we can talk occasionally like old acquaintances sometimes do; I hope I never forget the most beautiful dream anyone could give another but you were right. We are two different people with two different dreams.
I cried last night, I thought about everything I will lose, have lost. I know when I walk out of that house I will never see muggles again. We had such a special bond. I cried for your mom, your dad, my kids. Your family was mine and in some respects the only family I have ever had. I cried because I finally realized what you meant when you said “Fly free.”
I love you Kimberly, if not for today but for what I thought might be, what I felt in my heart to be true and for everything you have taught me.
Take care of yourself, please keep a small spot in your heart filled with Kendra