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I will fondly remember the time between the moment that I had decided to transition until I actually had my estrogen in my hand as the frustrating happiness period.
I found myself dancing when I woke up, in the car, as I walked to appointments and most importantly I noticed that I was always smiling. Even though the first available appointment to see a psychiatrist or phlebotomist was 40 days away, I was a different, happy person.
I even booked a transgender cruise to Mexico for November. I remember how worried I was about how people in Mexico handled girls like me and how I grilled the travel agent. “Look, I haven’t even been out of my state as a girl, let alone another country.”
Stephanie of Transgender Vacations reassured me that we traveled together and that it would be fine. So I treated Kimberly and her mother, Miranda and Brendan to a free cruise to Mexico and then began to count down the days until my first transgender appointment.
And just like that, everything changed. Tony, who lived with Kim and I, had some personal problems and had to leave. It was not just frustrating for Kim, but me also. The household chores would change; I would lose a friend that enjoyed escorting me to places. The same friend that encouraged me on my first time out as a girl (to McDonalds.)
The same friend that did not laugh at me when I refused to get out of the car.
He left just before I was able to get the courage to go out alone, yep all by myself. It was sad that I did not have a chance to tell him how a complete stranger offered to carry my groceries to the car; I told Kim about the experience but it was Tony that had been encouraging me so it wasn’t quite the same.
And by the time came for my first appointment my anxiety was at an all-time high. I felt like I wasted my youth denying who I was and now that I accepted it I was wasting my time waiting on doctors. I actually had to bite my tongue to keep from demanding hormones as the doctor shook my hand.
I let it loose, told him everything; I told him about how I had always thought I was a girl, how my 14 year old baby sitter used to give me her old clothes, how she told me, “never let anyone tell you are a boy.” How I was picked on, sexually assaulted in middle school, I told him everything. At the end of the appointment he handed me a prescription for depression and said to follow up next month.
I had never been so disappointed in my life. I feel stupid now for not questioning him but to be honest I did not know the medical procedures for treating Gender Dysphoria so I did as he instructed.
Kimberly noticed the change in my personality immediately. Just a few days before I was happy, dancing and walking on sunshine, and suddenly I found myself at rock bottom. When I explained to her what had happened at the doctors, she insisted that she go with me the next time.
Appointment number two was fast. Kim followed me into the doctor’s office and immediately demanded “Are you going to prescribe her hormones?”
His answer? “Oh, no, I am sorry, I am not in that field of medicine.” Kim lost it, she was angry, she demanded to know why he even bothered to prescribe anti-depressants. I just sat there, completely defeated. But as we left another doctor had heard the commotion and pulled us aside. “I know a place that specializes with transgender care.” She said as she handed us a card with a number on it.
As soon as we returned to our car I informed Kim I was not going to wait any longer. I was done waiting, done wasting time. If this new place did not prescribe what I needed, I was intent on buying hormones when we got to Mexico the following month.
But we called and an angel answered the phone. She said that I would have my hormones in my hand the day she saw me for the first time; the unfortunate part would be, the first available appointment was thirty days away.
