Recollection and Self Reflection

For me I find it a little messed up that one sentence can change my mood so quickly.

See I spent the better part of a decade without friends and yes that was by choice. Until of course I made the choice to transition, come out, open up about who I am and at that point everything changed for me. I was happy.

Don’t get me wrong, I was happy before, in select situations, as in when my kids were born, when I met Kim, when my favorite TV program was on but it became a different kind of happiness, a more complete happiness after I began HRT.

But with friendships come human contact and no one is perfect. People do not know your weaknesses unless you tell them. People are not mind readers whereas they do not know the one thing that will hurt your feelings, especially when most normal people wouldn’t be affected by it.

Which brings me to the stupid, irrational fear I have; I am terrified of getting older. Did you notice I used the word terrified and not, scared or afraid? Trust me I chose that word carefully.

Let me back up, way back to 7th grade. I had already known that my body did not match my birth gender, I was depressed and I was absolutely sure that God had made a mistake allowing me to be born. I had gained a lot of weight between elementary and junior high and was quite hefty. So God’s little mistake was tormented constantly, in school, in the neighborhood, well everywhere.

I think it culminated when, late for school one day, two high school boys took me into a wooded area and raped me. No, no, don’t even feel sorry for me, I have come to terms with that and have moved passed it until it became a distant memory. I only bring this up because that became a very big part of how I evolved.

By 10th grade I had lost all of that weight. I went from being a socially awkward fat, goofy looking, “he-she” To a very comfortable person with a sort of split personality. Those that I took into my circle knew me as a girl, the others knew me as a boy.

Even though the world did not know it, I was angry. I was angry at the cards I was dealt and I had decided that if the world wanted a boy, that’s is exactly what they were going to get, I would do what the world expected me to do. I would play football, play rough and tumble games, eventually join the Air Force; I would be a total womanizer.

With that confidence in place along with evolving from an ugly duckling into a swan, I began to notice people liked me; they liked me a lot and here is the thing as far as I was concerned the only thing that changed about me was the way I looked.

I think it left such an impact on me during the time of my greatest strife and turmoil that I permanently connected looks to how much people liked you, yeah, yeah I understand kids are not mature enough to look past the superficial, and yes I understand that looks are the least important aspect of someone but this occurred during a personal storm I had created for myself, during puberty.

Oddly enough, I myself never judged anyone else (aside from myself) by the way they looked.

Of course this carried over into my life as a transgender girl. I think it is the primary reason I am now a shopaholic.

Which brings me to my present funk. I honestly believe I have not stopped smiling since last June. I never missed a morning in which I did not wake up dancing. Even when I started feeling a little down about relationships, I was in my own personal heaven.

Until the sentence, said by someone I consider a very close friend, someone I would do anything for. “In fifteen years you will be nearing 70.”

To be honest that might not be what was said, how it was said or even the words that was said but, my mind shifted back to 15 years ago when I met my soul mate Kim. It was like yesterday. Like I fell in love and woke up and it was more than a decade later.

At that point a flood of images started pouring into my soul. I saw my son starting a life with his girlfriend; I saw my daughter Miranda, wife Kim happy with their boyfriend; I saw my best friends happy with their new relationship and then… I saw Kendra unloved…

No, no, no…not the emotional love. I know people love me, I honestly do. More like a love how a man loves a woman, how he desires a woman.

I saw how, I dress way too young for my age, I started feeling like a joke, my own personal joke.

Life is sometimes difficult as we grow older. When I was in my 20's it was not difficult finding a straight man who enjoyed my company. In fact it came way too easy for me but as the testosterone dropped in men so do, I guess, was the desire for a girl like me.

But still, I do see myself lucky. Even though this last 12 hours have beaten me to a pulp. I have so much to be thankful for. I am Kendra, my family loves me, I have a great therapist that I have confidence enough in that he will get me over this hill I am climbing.

So I didn’t smile last night; so for the first time in a year I didn’t wake up dancing. I know life is good and eventually I will be out on the dance floor again.

#Present #Now #Depression #Relationships #Past