How to Deal with the Loss of a Loved One: From the Other Side

Well this was different. I was home and for the foreseeable future my calendar was booked. While things came into focus for me the same could not be said of my family.

The thing is; I think they thought that maybe, down deep, it was just a phase I was going through or a midlife crisis but as the months dredged on, it became clear to everyone that it wasn’t, especially after I began my name change process.

I think I understood their feelings better than they know; I am very empathetic when it comes to losing something or someone close. I had lost my father a decade before to cancer and for me so I had already kind of known that in some way, at some point, I would see their pain.

My first sign came when, while watching TV one day Kimberly said, “Oh my God, your face has changed, you really are starting to look like a woman. The following day while talking in bed she pulled up my old, dead Facebook account and began to cry. I asked her what was wrong and she just sighed, “He is gone.”

I held it in. I had become very emotional since beginning HRT and this was one time I knew that she needed this time, she didn’t need to see me hurting also. She needed to grieve.

Yep, everyone mourns differently. During the first month I began to dress full time he lashed out at me but not in a harsh tone, I don’t think he really meant to hurt me, but he did when he said. “Dad, you know no matter what you do, how long you try, and you will never look like a woman.”

Ah the anger part of grief.

And then later he followed that up the same way Kimberly did. One day I thought he was texting Samantha but he was staring into his phone as if he had just been crushed. God he looked so sad and at first I thought he and Samantha had a fight so I asked,

“Is everything ok?”

And he replied with a sigh, “Yeah, I was just looking at the last picture I had taken with my dad.”

Great, so I am crying as I write this… Anyway, I apologized to him and tried to reassure him that I am the same person I always was, I just dress differently but, I will be honest, after I went to bed, alone, I cried all night.

He did not mean to hurt me, I don’t think he even knew he had hurt me; see I know he lost his dad and I know how that feels. I felt selfish. I felt wrong, but at the same time I knew that if I did not walk the path that I was on, I would have been dead months ago.

See, as controversial as I know this is, they have a right to mourn, they have a right to be angry, no matter what other people might think, they do not have an inherent responsibility to buck up and forget all about who I was and accept me for who I am.

And our life together changed, they understood better, they got to know Kendra.

“Once I realized you were the same person, it got easier.” Brendan told me once, almost repeating what I first told him.

I also remember, when I first began to transition that I would always “man up” for him on Sunday for football. Well one day before the game I threw on a Dolphin’s jersey and asked him. “Am I butched up enough for you?”

He barely looked up at me and responded in a very nonchalant manner, “You look like a girl with a jersey on.”

Now that was an insult that made me feel better than any other compliment I had ever gotten. Yep, the same guy that said, “No matter what you do, you will never look like a girl.” Made me feel amazing and he didn’t even know it.

So you see, I am not an expert but yeah, people will grieve and people will say hurtful things but like the five stages of grief, this too will pass and I think they will love you more for allowing them to feel their loss.

I remember looking back at some of the amazing experiences I have had with my family over that first 6 months and realizing how lucky I was, Kimberly and Miranda and I had went to a local bar and Kimberly had just excused herself to go to the restroom. Miranda motioned to me about a guy moving in our direction.

“OMG, he is going to try and pick me up, don’t look, don’t look.” She whispered

Sure enough within seconds he was standing at our table. “I am sorry for interrupting.” He said as he turned to look directly at me, “But I have to say, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.”

Really? The only thing that went through my mind at the time was, “what, were you blind since birth and just had your sight restored?” But instead I thanked him, smiled and said, “I am with family tonight but that was so sweet of you.”

Normally that type of thing would not be something that would stick with me but it was what came next made me it memorable.

He turned to my daughter Miranda, “And you are beautiful also.”

Before I continue let me tell you a little about my baby girl. She can be angry, really I wish there was a better word for her anger because that doesn’t tell the whole story. Without missing a beat, while outing me at the same time she responded. “Really? You tried to pick up my “dad” and then have the nerve to try to pick me up?”

It was no different when we went to eat at Pizza Hut for lunch and the waitress handed her the check. At least she didn’t out me then, instead she went the humiliation route…”Can I ask you, what makes you think I am the woman in this relationship?”

Honestly, Miranda beat the crap out of her without lifting a finger. The woman was out for the count.

And that is the reason I call her my baby girl.

In most cases she doesn’t want to know you, she doesn’t want to talk to you but if you manage to get inside her world she would lay down her life for you. She is the most loyal person anyone would ever know.

Like I said, I am not an expert and I understand every family is different but I did want to relay my personal experience with dealing with the loss of a family member and doing it from the part of the deceased.

#Kimberly #Brendan #Miranda #Nightlife #Grieving