Waking Up to Flowers (Part 2 of 3)

And even though I have worked nights for longer than I care to remember, I was up early, resisting the urge to call Paul’s hotel room or cell phone. “He did say he was going to call me in the morning right?” I asked myself, over and over again.

Well there was 5 more minutes left of the morning so I did the only logical thing a girl like me would do, I called my son. “Did you hear from Samantha or Paul?” I asked

“Samantha is with me, we are going to the aquarium in Baltimore…” He responded with a slight pause and then continued, “He didn’t call you?”

I was embarrassed, I knew there was a reason my instincts told me I shouldn’t date the father of the girl my son was dating. “Yeah, no worries, I haven’t even started getting ready.” (Which was the truth, I figured I would just wait for him to call before I started.

“Okay, are you sure?” He asked.

“Yeah, yeah, I am sure, gives me a chance to relax a bit for a change, I’ll just wait for him to call me.”

And wait I did, noon became one, one turned to three and then three to five. I knew he had to go back home early, he had to work the next day so by 5:30 PM I had written him off and blamed it on myself.

“Did Paul call you?” Kimberly asked as she came into the living room.

“No, didn’t figure he would after I gave him the cold shoulder in his hotel room. Do you want to watch some TV?”

And we were about 20 minutes into a rerun of “The Big Bang Theory” when Paul FINALLY called. “Hey beautiful, what are you doing?”

Really? He drives from Ohio to DC to see me and blows half the weekend by not calling me and he asks what I am doing?

“Nothing, just watching TV.” I answered without showing how aggravated I was.

“I want to see you before we go back. Can I come over?”

“Screw you ass-hole, I got better things to do.” Is what my head said to say, unfortunately, “Sure, I was hoping you would call.” was what I actually said.

Sure he was a smooth talker when he got to my house, telling me how he wasn’t feeling good, how he couldn’t get out of bed but I was still pissed, even when he took me in his arms and kissed me. “I hope we can see each other again, I had a great time.”

“Yeah, well, I am a little frustrated about today… But we will see.” I responded.

And then he was on his way home.

He called me to let me know when he arrived safely and then a couple of days later to let me know Brendan had drove to Ohio to spend the day with Samantha. And we talked; not for a few minutes but for most of the night, and we talked about everything.

So, turns out he was depressed, turns out actually he was depressed a lot and it was more of a debilitating depression; a depression of the magnitude of thoughts of suicide sometimes rose to the surface.

Before I began transition I really didn’t have much sympathy for people but now…My heart bled for him. I cried, I comforted and I reassured him I would do anything he needed to help.

“Nothing you can do sweetheart, it’s just something I have to get through.” He explained.

And we continued to talk about his dreams, his past, my transition, our kids, we talked long past the time Brendan had left and then in the early morning we said good night.

It wouldn’t be a good night for me, not at all. All I could think about was how Paul was so sad while I was so happy and then I started remembering things that had not even crossed my mind as they happened.

“You really can’t wear those shorts next time we go out.” He mentioned during our time in the Nations Capital. “That is a little too low cut for your age, don’t you think?” He asked on the final night of the cruise.

All this time I was excited to meet someone, someone that I might be able to have a romantic relationship and the person I met, the cute, adorable, sweetheart of a man was troubled; and he was more troubled than anyone I had ever met.

It was that morning, the morning after our long personal chat on the phone that I thought that, well, it may not work. No matter how much I wanted it to, no matter how much I liked him, we were on different paths.

The way I figured it was- I had not yet found myself or my way, how would I ever be able to help someone else find their way?

#Paul #Samantha #Brendan #Kimberly #Relationships #Depression