And Then Comes Marcie (Part 1 of 3)

It was too much, really, even I knew it. My kids were adults and I was taking full advantage of that, always asking them to accompany me clubs and bars that really they had no interest in going. Even so, I seemed to be always asking or on some occasions, begging.

I thought I was in a bad spot; I had spent the last fifteen years without friends. Sure, it was of my own doing but, I was there, a transgender girl alone. Funny, more than meeting a man, I was interested in finding someone like me, someone I could talk to, maybe go out with.

And then one night, I recalled something an older transgender woman said to me on the cruise; check out the meetup app. So with nothing better to do, that’s what I did. Immediately I found a DC area transgender group and even more interesting, they were having a winter social.

Even though I was no longer afraid to go public, I was still afraid of socializing. It had been way too long since I had been put in a situation where I had to make small talk or worse, sell myself as a friend.

Of course I went straight for the phone and once again pleaded for Miranda to go with me however, I had forgotten the very important detail that Miranda, in a lot of ways, had the same problem I did, we rarely socialized.

And it went just the way anyone in that situation would imagine. It was long, we really didn’t talk to anyone and we left very early. “Psst, Kendra…You know there is a Cheesecake Factory across the street, right?” Miranda asked.

I wanted the exact same thing but at the same time, knew I would be depressed if I left without even speaking to anyone. “I know but…” I said as my voice trailed.

Miranda knew how I felt, she could see it in my face. “But we could stay if you want.”

I took another quick look around and I knew it was totally hopeless, I realized that if I were going to learn to talk to people again, I would need Kimberly’s help. “Na, let’s go, after tonight I definitely need cheesecake.”

Ah the darkness before the dawn… We ended up getting some huge slabs of sugar goodness and I shoveled it down my throat like it was my last day on earth. People like me were there, all gathered together talking. It was everything I ever wanted and I just said “screw it.”

I started to think not only would I not find a nice man, I would never find a nice friend. Yep, once again I found myself both happy and sad at the same time.

Miranda dropped me off at my house and I handed Kimberly the leftovers. “How’d it go?”

“It didn’t, I really don’t want to talk about it.” I replied as I flopped down on the couch and turned on the television. “This again.” I thought to myself flipping through channels I had no interest in until…I flipped the TV back off, opened up the meetup app and found another gathering.

7 PM Drag show at Freddie’s Beach Bar in Alexandria. “I am going, period.” I grumbled. “This time would be different. I will talk, be friendly, I will meet people.” I swore as I put the phone back down on the coffee table. “I have to.”

On instinct I grabbed the remote and turned the TV on again. “Who am I kidding? I am hopeless.”

#Kimberly #Miranda #Depression #friends #Frustration