Polyamory: 5 Facts that you do not know

So you think you might want more than one person in your relationship and you discussed it with your partner and both of you are ready to move forward. I am here today, as a transgender woman, to present to you the one-sided, opinionated, facts that might help prepare you for the future.

I have been living that lifestyle on and off for about 15 years and I am here to tell you that no matter how much planning or discussion that is involved with your partner there will be something that arises that is totally unexpected.

First a little background. From the moment I entered puberty I have felt like a straight woman however, to present myself as society expected, I always maintained a relationship with a woman. Because of this the women I was involved with always saw me as a selfish and uncaring partner. I wholeheartedly believe that it was the lack of feelings I would have when I was intimate with them, in other words, picture a straight woman (I mean totally straight) repeatedly being sexually involved with another woman (over the course of a lifetime) Yes the body was willing but the heart was always removed.

After two divorces I realized that the lies that I was telling myself were failing me so I decided to be as truthful as I could with everyone I had plans to enter a relationship. So, still partially lying, I explained to my future wife, I was a cross-dresser and that I was bisexual.

She accepted that fact; even though it was much more complicated and I would end up dumping a bunch more on her after we began to date.

Within a few months I was pushing her to start dating other people. Yes you guessed it, I was having some serious man withdraw. This of course caused a lot of problems; she loved me passionately and I loved her emotionally.

So there were a LOT of fights and over the course of 5 or 6 years and we teetered on the brink of divorce but we both knew we loved each other dearly. And then came the discussion; we should open up our marriage to save our marriage.

Still, aside from a dozen or so threesomes, we were only committed to each other, until…

I finally accepted who I was and began HRT (see my blog for the full story)

It became more and more difficult to “fake” being gay and my unwanted biological equipment became unwilling to work in some intimate moments. I think it was the moment when my wife said, wait, “Accidental lesbian or not, I still need physical, sexual contact.”

Which brings us to our current relationship. my wife is in a sexual, full-time, as in boyfriend relationship and she is happy.

So here we are one year into a polyamory relationship and I would like to share certain things that I have discovered along the way.

FACT 1) Even if you are not a jealous person there will be times when you ARE a jealous person.

My spouse and I had a routine, as in, I work nights and she would wait for me and we would watch television before she finally went to bed. Until… Her boyfriend, changed that, she would get up earlier and as a result need to go to bed earlier.

Even though we had not had a sexual relationship in years, I found myself a little lonely and a little resentful at the fact she changed our entire routine, our entire marriage for her new boyfriend. I began to question the love she expressed to me; how could she truly love me when it did not seem like she missed our time together (at all)

The only way to prevent this type of relationship fatality is to communicate. Explain how you feel, make them understand that your feelings have not changed.

FACT 2) There will be lies.

No not big lies, not relationship ending lies. But there will be little lies, some might say “white lies” Honestly I see them all the time and nowadays I don’t even mention them.

“Hey honey, Marcie came by to visit (my wife was sick) she is so sweet, you can’t help but love her. Oh and can you pick up my boyfriend and bring him with you to the beach?” my wife asked.

“Sure what time?” I responded.

“11 AM. Will be fine.”

Nice little exchange there, don’t you think? Nothing wrong with that at all, “Sure sweetie, not a problem, I will be there.” I responded and then we hung up with each other but… I forgot to ask what day.

Later that evening she calls me back. “Hey sweetie, what day did you need me to pick him up?” I asked so I would get it right.

“It was Sunday but you know, I was talking to Marcie, I think it might be better if we all went down together on Monday, she said that would be fine.” She responded. “Besides he would probably rather me pick him up anyway.”

Ok, did you spot the “Where’s Waldo” lie? Well, after Marcie had come by she had asked me to pick up her boyfriend and later that evening she said “after talking to Marcie”, she would rather do it herself.

No, it wasn’t a major lie, nothing that I felt threatened by but it was a lie all the same and still it really didn’t bother me. The thing that upset me was, she knows that without me being in a relationship of my own I am a tad bit insecure and I was absolutely sure it was her boyfriend that suggested that it was she and not I, pick her up. So you see how white lies do not help the situation.

FACT 3) There will be less time available for the relationship.

As mentioned above, schedules will have to be adjusted especially when a new relationship is in blossom. If you intend to enter into this type of relationship you have to expect that and if you are a really good spouse (especially if you are the one that encouraged it in the first place) you should really, I mean REALLY get over it. If you ever imagined yourself as an alpha partner then I am here to tell you, being in a Polyamory relationship is not for you…Period.

FACT 4) There will be hurt feelings.

So you see, you have to get past little white lies; you have to get past with a lot less attention and time for your own personal relationship. And “gasp” you have to expect that one day you will hear your wife (or husband) say “I love you” to someone else. Get over it or don’t proceed into the lifestyle. EXPECT that you will most definitely have hurt feelings and a lot of them.

FACT 5) You will need to be there all the time.

Relationships are funny, you win some and you lose some. And when the time comes when one partner loses another, it is time for you, as the wife or husband, to step up and let her cry on your shoulder. Let her tell you how much she loved him, let her tell you how much it hurt.

If you cannot manage to hear those words coming out of your partner’s mouth then you need to totally rethink the idea about bringing someone else into your marriage.

In fact this could be the most critical time in your relationship; if you fail being her support system, you may lose what is left of your marriage.

Test yourself, how will you feel when you hear the love of your life say, “I loved him so much.” While she is gasping for breath as she sobs. Because you see, in most Polyamory relationships this is something, at one time or another, you will hear.

BONUS FACT for transgender women. You will lose interest in what your spouse is doing in bed.

Prior to transition, as far back as I could remember, I always encouraged the woman I was seeing/married to/dated to see other men and I presented myself as somewhat of a voyeur. Of course I know now, that it was done solely to be involved with other men. Medically speaking; I wanted to watch and use my fantasies to put me in the position of my partner (Being made love to)

I lived for this, my every action was calculated from the very start of a relationship, I manipulated and worked myself into the position where I could watch myself being the woman being made love to, being cherished. But here is the thing…Women are much less visual than men and within weeks of beginning hormone treatment all of that ceased.

For me, anyway, I would rather be alone, in my room with sex going on right outside my door than to be involved any longer. To be totally blunt, I do not even want to hear them.

Still, after years of arguing, after years preparing myself for where I am, what I am going through, this is now the relationship I find myself in and believe it or not, I couldn’t be a happier girl.

#Relationships #love