Making Kendra (Part 4 of 7)

Yep, I was becoming totally frustrated with the way my life was leading me and not me leading my life. I could not get to work on time to save my life. In fact, it didn’t matter if I left 8 hours early, I would still be late.

Yes, part of the problem was my need to change several times a day in an attempt to keep up the Kenneth charade but I should be able to handle that with so many years of practice.

So this time I actually planned to be at the MVA when the doors opened. Even though I had to work the evening shift; even though I had only four hours sleep; I was up and out the door by 830 AM. It meant that much to me.

As soon as they opened the doors I saw the gentleman that helped me earlier in the week. He shot me a confused look as if he were wondering why I would be back so soon…HA!

Now you may wonder, “Why did Kendra have only 4 hours sleep?” Well knowing that I was going to get a chance to retake my horrid driver’s license, I used the previous evening to practice selfies using my estimate of distance while experimenting with angles and different smiles. Vein? Nope, it was a real fear of being stuck with a driver’s license for 8 years looking like I was a cow of a man-girl picture.

Being there that early, well, meant very fast and efficient service. I have to assume it was too early for the entire MVA staff to be on coffee breaks. SO…

When my number was called, I handed the female agent my forms and just like that…”Okay, we are all set, move to the chair for your picture.” Awesome, just what I had been waiting for. “Head up, no up…move your hair, no don’t tilt your head…Straighter.” She directed

Here was the thing, every single time she gave me a direction I followed it but undid the pervious direction (there’s a good tip for you) for example…

“Move your hair.” I responded by moving my hair and slouched a bit more. “Don’t tilt your head.” I straightened my head and let my hair fall a bit. These exchanges went on for what I estimated, a full sixty seconds.

And then just like that she huffed as if she said, “screw it” and snapped the picture. For the first time in my life I had a good, presentable driver’s license photo. “Here you go Miss Kendra, I bet you are going to celebrate now.” She said as she handed my new license.

She was right; why wouldn’t I want to celebrate, a big celebration…”No, a funeral for Kenneth, actually” I thought. In truth I had been wanting to get rid of that name long before I knew what my name would be. “Oh I will set something up for sure.” I told her. “I still have some things I need to do and when Kenneth is out of my life, I am most definitely going to have a party…or a funeral for Kenneth.”

Oh and how perfect that picture was; I couldn't have gotten a better picture if I had taken it myself. Persistence makes perfect and I was not going to leave that place without a decent picture.

And just like that almost all of my identifications were done. I looked through my wallet to see exactly what was left. “Credit cards, I can do those on the phone, work ID oh and my passport but, I really don’t use that on a day to day basis, that can wait until I go out of the country again.” I figured before deciding to head straight to work and change my name on my work ID.

On the way, I called a couple of credit cards and like I assumed they were able to make the changes and informed me that I would receive my new ones in 3 to 5 days. By the time I got to work to get my new identification I had a warm feeling inside. I was thinking that, after this, there would be nothing I use on a day to day basis that has Kenneth left on it and it gave me a warm feeling of accomplishment.

And as I walked into the administration building some things began to dawn on me; first and foremost, my often used work identification would forever have Kendra Chelsea displayed for everyone to see. I had always insisted I would never, ever come out at work as transgender but I found myself inching ever so closer to doing just that. I had been even telling myself, as I was late for work, I was going mad living double lives.

Secondly, in all aspects of my life, I have been subconsciously putting myself into a position that work would find out on their own. I would always eat close to the university; I would drop into places where I knew other coworkers usually frequented. Basically, I was doing this subconsciously.

As soon as I came to that realization, the realization that coming out was no longer off the table, things began to slow down for me. I managed to get all the names on my credit cards switched over, get my new identification for work, return home and change into Kenneth and went to work without being late.

It was that day, though, that I took my first of the tiniest baby steps and left my women’s jeans on. Just like that, my stress was gone.

#Identification #work