Finding Jamie (Part 1 of 3)

I have rewrote this blog entry about a half dozen times and I have been really reluctant to share it because the story really does not begin well so I have decided to go about it just a little differently. Let me start by talking about Jamie as it is right here and right now.

Jamie is a very special person to me and she has become such a part of my life I cannot imagine what it would be like without her.

Next let me recap where my life was at the point Jamie was introduced to me; two months on hormones and I had finally met, what I would consider my first friend in Marcie. Prior to Marcie, I really did not feel as if I had fit in with the transgender community and I was feeling very, well for lack of a better word, lonely.

The night before I first heard about Jamie, was really the very first time I spent any quality time with her (Marcie) and I had a lot of conflicting feelings. As in, I thought she was beautiful, sweet, caring and it was really the first time in years that I had felt like I connected with anyone on an emotional level. My internal conflicts arouse when I began reflecting on my past as in when I dated Paul, a nice transgender man that I had met when I first began to transition. I took from that experience, I was straight, I loved men and how I spent my entire life being selfish by using women as something akin to a social mouth piece…Look, I am dating a woman, I am “normal.” I hurt way too many people by using them in that manner and I would not do that again…period.

So in what I FELT like was love at first site with Marcie, I understood went deeper than a romantic type of love. I was also wise enough to look into the future and realize that both of us, in the not so distant future, would have the surgery. I had to ask myself, could either one of us see the other as a lesbian.

I also realized, though countless conversations with my therapist (my very hot and sexy man-therapist) that I really didn’t even know who I was, I would not now, or ever, put my friendship with Marcie at stack, she was too important to me.

Which brings me to Jamie…

Sitting at my desk, not particularly busy doing anything, I get a call.

“He Kendra.” Marcie said.

Panicked because my coworker Mack was sitting nearby, I quickly got up and walked out of the office. “Hey sweetie, how are you doing?” I asked when I got a safe distance away from prying ears.

“Good, good…” She said with a surprisingly amount of happy in her voice. “I met someone last night.”

“Oh you did? Awesome, you have to tell me all about it.” Okay so I faked it, no, I do not care what anyone thinks, that is not lying or deceptive…It was a self-defense mechanism plain and simple.

At best, since my brain had shut down, I can give you a synopsis. Marcie offered a ride to Jamie to an event at Freddie’s beach bar and they hit it off. (Oh so special, joy, joy.) I also found at that Jamie was somewhat of gender queer, but I wasn’t sure anyone said that, I could have made that up in my head.

We also made plans for the three of us to go to Town Danceboutique the following Saturday. “Hey, do you think it would be okay for me to invite Teri? My mother-in-law’s coworker?” I asked once I realized I was going to be a third wheel now. “I told you about her Sunday, she seems nice.”

“Sure.” She replied and then got quiet.

I think I might have cut her happy recap of meeting Jamie a little short but to be truthful, I wasn’t listening and I knew I wasn’t being much of a friend, still just because I knew I was straight and knew that we were better of friends, doesn’t mean I was ready to let her go. “Awesome, I will call her tomorrow and ask if she wants to go… But I better get back to work, maybe you can tell me all about Jamie the next time we talk…okay?”

I hate when I realize I am being an ass, really I do but I think we all have a little ass in ourselves to one degree or another.

I was so happy that Teri said she would like to join us, I felt like at the very least I would have a little buffer between Jamie and me seeing that I had already decided I wouldn’t like her. “I bet she is ugly, probably dresses ugly, ugh, I hope she has a very deep voice.” I grumbled to myself as I was driving to work. “Plus gender queer, really…do I even like those guys?”

Either way I figured when we met up on Saturday I would know either way.

When Saturday finally arrived I was hoping my fourteen year old girl puberty didn’t show through because as Marcie introduced me to her date for the night my mind went to the races. “Bitch…she is thinner than me, she dresses nice though, ugh. Whatever… How in the hell can I break these two up? I will figure it out, hmm…”

But as my mind continued to race, I extended my hand, “Nice to meet you Jamie; that is such a beautiful dress. Ready to hit the dance floor?”

Yea, you can know you are being a bitch but that never stops you. Still if Marcy liked him/her, whatever I will make an attempt…but from where I was standing the attempt would surely fail.

#Jamie #Marcie #Relationships #Mack #Teri