Making Kendra (Part 6 of 7)

There was no way I would come out at work or to my mother, no way, not now, not ever. It was for the best really but…

Marcie did, or more to be more factually was going to but that wasn’t for me. Even though my adopted sister had the strength, I was different.

Even though it was becoming increasingly more difficult to stomach my man clothes. Even though the thought of me being Ken, even for a few hours was enough to put a hole in my head, I was sticking to my guns. It would be easier that way…

Yeah okay, I have my ears pierced, yeah I wear a crazy amount of girls’ rings and watch already. That’s all, no more,

Okay, I do wear women’s jeans and my hair is already a crazy color of Auburn and it is past my shoulders and okay my daughter took me to get it styled into a more feminine style, still, I was NOT COMING OUT AT WORK.

Still there was some kind of switch that somehow popped on in my head one summer evening when I met my daughter at Arby’s for dinner.

I was wearing a Miami Dolphins jersey and when I was greeted at my car by my daughter the look on her face seemed to be a mixture of surprise and disgust. “What?” I growled at her look.

“Um, nothing, it’s just I haven’t seen you like that in a long time.” Miranda replied.

It was just an innocent, off the cuff remark, not meant as an insult but it affected me more deeply than she will ever know. Immediately I had to check myself in the mirror to see how badly I looked but as I entered the restaurant and turned toward the restroom, placed my hand on the women’s door I realized that I was not dressed for the occasion. I also realized that if I entered the Men’s room it would be the first time in almost a year I had went into the wrong bathroom.

I felt like such a phony, I never thought I would feel that way after I went on hormones and began to transition. After a lifetime of lying to the people closest to me I had promised myself I would never lie to myself or anyone else ever again but I was lying. I was fraud.

In fact I had to make a trip home before returning to work to shed the Jersey for a more appropriate top, nothing over the top mind you, just something much more feminine. I was half expecting my coworker Mack to lose it when he saw me looking more like a girl than he ever did but he didn’t so much bat an eye, it was both a pleasant surprise and frustrating at the same time.

And thus began a game of rebirth for Kendra. “I swear I am going to add a little every day until they realize on their own I am a girl.” I said to Kimberly before I left for work one day.

“Good for you, I am proud of you.” She replied

And that was what I had set out to do…Distressed jeans, my pink and black shoes, off the shoulder shirts, I just kept adding and adding but nothing, from no one. All it did was become a frustrating mess. “You should just tell them.” Marcie said during one of our weekly calls.

I should but as it was with my brother, I was a coward.

“You have no idea Marcie, my coworker has said he thinks Caitlyn Jenner has a mental disorder and people like her needs to be put on an island.” I sighed. “And I have to work with him for at least seven more years.”

“So you aren’t going to come out at work?” She asked.

“I am but... I don’t know, it isn’t easy.” I have to admit, Marcie is wise beyond her years. She understood that things had to come about at its own pace. “I am wearing makeup tomorrow, I don’t know what else I can do aside from maybe wearing a pink tutu.”

I thought back to what my hot-man-therapist said about coming out to Mack. “I don’t think you are not giving him enough credit. From everything you have told me, he kind of relies on you a lot, I think he sees himself as your friend.”

One of the few things that he had said that made me feel like he was a little stupid. I knew Mack, I had worked with him for more than twenty years. Once he knew I was transitioning my life was going to be a living hell. Still, it was going to happen, I knew it, Kimberly knew it, hell the whole world knew it but it was no less terrifying.

So there I was on my way to work completely Kendrafied and scared to death. “Hey Ken.” Mack grumbled as I walked past him.

“Really? That’s all he has to say?” I thought as I sat down at my desk.

So he was clueless, but the rest of the office wasn’t. In fact my bestest work girlfriend pulled me aside. “Are you, um, you know?”

“What?” I smiled up at her.

“Turning into a girl?”

I was so amazed at how four little words could make me feel so good. “I am.” With that she wrapped her arms around me and squeezed. It was an all too familiar bear hug that I had received each and every time I had told someone about me. “Not sure how Mack is going to take it though.” I said meekly.

“Fuck him if he has a problem with it, you are beautiful.”

Still… that night nothing was said except once, when a contractor came to pick up keys. “Look like you are becoming a rock star buddy.” He said.

Now that was aggravating to say the least. “Really, that is what you are getting from all this?” I grumbled as I returned to my desk. It was then I realized I had to tell Mack, this whole unspoken dance I was playing with him was too much for me. “Mack…” I said after I had gathered my thoughts.

“Yea, what up?” He replied as he partially turned to face me.

“We need to talk.” I responded.

I almost laughed as I noticed his face turned horror stricken. “No, no, I am good, all’s good.” He said and turned back toward his computer.

I found it crazy how draining that little exchange was. I had finally worked up the courage to tell him but he shut me down. If I had not used up all my energy trying to tell him the first time I would have tried again, instead, I let it go.

Once again I found myself a coward and a little heartbroken.

No, no, not a coward, I was Kendra and I would be Kendra again tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. He can ignore me but Kendra was not going to go away regardless of the hell I was expecting after it was finally in the open.

And it took a mere 24 hours before it would be finally out in the open.

Just back from lunch, I spread out my food, turned on my computer and was content in the fact I was finally not being a fraud at work. Mack stood up, walked across the room and as he passed me he mumbled, “I know you are a girl and it’s okay.”

And just like that it was finally over.

Everyone knew, everyone but my mom and there was no way I was going to tell her, no way, no how, not ever.

#Miranda #Kimberly #Mack #work #WomensRoom #Restrooms