Being a Woman OR I Have Problem (Part 1 of 2)

So if you have been keeping up with this recount of my transition you would know I was the happiest girl in the world. I was lucky in friends, in family and I had everything I could ever have dreamed. I danced every morning, actually I danced every chance I had. When I woke up, when I was in the car, walking to and from my car and at work when I was alone. If it was my choice I would be dancing at the club every night.

But somewhere along the way it started to feel forced. Yes I was happy and no I was not depressed, it wasn’t that.

My wife had her love life, my daughter was now living with Mr. Green-Jeans, my son had his woman of the week and even Marcie had Jamie, I was surrounded by love in bloom and I was just happy Kendra shuffling through life dancing without a care in the world.

So the dancing was not quite the same as it was before. I was a woman but not desired as a woman, sure some guys would flirt with me, even ask me out on occasion but me being the coward that I am I was always afraid to respond with the mandatory, “You do know I am transgender right?”

I have to wonder if other people have the same ultra-reality where when a problem arises the solution is eventually uncovered? So I was no longer the happy-go-lucky girl I had been over the previous 10 months.

And like everyone else in the world, I too have bad days. Honestly I think being an emotional equivalent of a fourteen year old girl did not help matters much either. That week I went from being lost with no GPS crying on the side of the road to leaving my keys and purse in the grocery store and if you are curious I was not dancing as I returning to the car.

“Smile.” I heard a voice say.

“What?” I mumbled and turned to see if someone was talking to me.

“You are so beautiful, you should smile sweetie.” A nice looking black man said as he followed close behind. “I would like to get to know you better.”

Wow, did that just change my mood instantly.

I smiled, “This last week has been tough, I am usually always smiling.” I responded.

“You come here a lot, I see you around.” He said as we continued to walk toward my car.

“I do, yes.” My coworker always wants me to pick stuff up when I go to lunch.”

So the guy has noticed me before and he was interested in me, wow. “I am serious, I want to get to know you.”

And I panicked, should I just blurt out hey, you know I am transgender right? Or how about I just assume he knows and then put myself in a situation where I get myself assaulted, raped or even killed. Like I had done in the past, I shut down, completely. “Sure, okay thanks, I will see you around okay.”

So I blew it again, like always, “Kendra Chelsea, face it, you are going to go through life alone. Happy, but alone.” I thought as I got in my car and returned to work.

Still, the next time I returned to my local grocery store he was there. “What’s your name?”

“Kendra.” I responded as I kind of walked passed him, pretending I was in a hurry.

“Can I get your number? I was serious before, I want to get to know you.” He responded.

Thinking about it now I think it would have been the right time to say, “Well for starters I am transgender but here is my number if you are still interested.” But instead I said, “Sure, here is my number, call me anytime.” And then kind of rushed away.

Not really expecting anything he calls the next morning. “This is Antonio, from Giant.” He said, “Is this Kendra?” “It is, hi Antonio.”

“I was wondering, would you like to meet for coffee or something tomorrow?” He asked

“Sure, I mean, maybe, well…I have to ask you something first.” I responded.

“Yea, of course, anything.”

“Did you know I was transgender?” I asked him, realizing how stupid I sounded.

“Whoa, no, oh, okay, just a second.” He answered and then the phone went completely silent. I figured that he had just hung up on me, I wouldn’t blame him, that was a lot of something to drop on someone and just as I was about to hang up the phone I hear him respond.

“You are a sexy beautiful woman, I don’t care, I want to know you.”

Maybe I am in some hospital somewhere wrapped up in a strait jacket, things were not supposed to be this easy. “Okay, what time, where should I meet you?”

“At the store, is 11 AM okay?”

And all of a sudden I had my first ever date as Kendra. That night I dreamed about that date as in how I was supposed to act, what I was supposed to do.

We would sit and talk, get to know each other a little and afterwards he would walk me to my car and maybe he would give me a quick kiss. I figured that was the way to have a first date and I wanted it to go perfectly, you know like any girl would do.

But the best laid plans…

It started off fine enough. We talked and talked, laughed a little but when it was time for him to walk me to my car instead of him kissing me goodbye, I opened the door for him. I am not sure if I did it because I was not ready for the date to end or if it was some f’ed up part of my brain that wanted to be cherished a little more.

And we went for a drive. “I really like you Kendra.” He said as he placed his hand on my shoulder. “I hope you like me too.”

Damn…I had this feeling before, way back when I was a teenager, it was like my brain was shutting down, like my hormones were taking over but I was older now and I absolutely thought I had control over my actions. I figured as he slid his hand over my shoulder and onto my breast I would be able to brush his hand aside and say “No.”

I figured wrong, instead I think I murmured, “Oh god.” Hey don’t judge me, no one had ever touched my breasts that way before- you know because they were brand new.

And before I could fight my urges he placed his other hand on my thigh.

Now I know you won’t believe me but I am going to tell you that I had NO INTENTIONS of letting it go any further than that. In fact when I drove into a nearby park, I fully intended to give him a little kiss and talk a little more.

Even the best intentions…

As soon as I put the car in park he took my hand and placed it on his crotch and just like that my brain shut completely off. It was as if I had been hypnotized early in my life to “worship” that part of a man. I knew I was not doing the right things and I knew I should stop but it was, and I swear, totally impossible.

And not to be totally crude, his jeans came off and I did what I felt any girl would do under those circumstances would do, well not any girl but any girl that was finally discovering herself after years of repression.

I am sorry if you might think I was being slutty but I made a mistake, well a mistake if I wanted a relationship with him but I really don’t regret anything that day. I think it was something I had to do, something that would make me feel like my dancing was no longer forced.

After I made him, well smile, I drove back to his car just in time for him to get a phone call. “He dude, where have you been? No, I got it, hold on a second.” He said as he covered his cell. “I have to take this call, I will call you okay?” He said as he got out of my car.

“Well, um, that was, well worrisome.” I thought to myself. “Kind of a little shady.”

Well if I messed up my chances of having a boyfriend, I think I messed it up with the right guy. Yep, even my mistakes turn out to be the right mistakes.

Even so, I seemed to have no control over myself and I knew something was wrong. I was being reckless and stupid. I knew right away that I needed to talk this over with my therapist, I was most definitely not being very ladylike.

#Antonio #Relationships #Kendra