Understanding Kendra (Part 1 of 4)

Okay, here is the thing, with every fiber of my being I did not want a sexual encounter with Antonio. I craved being myself, I craved being a real woman as in going on a date, being treated right and progressing at a natural and lady-like fashion. Yet I failed miserably.

I had a problem and I realized that even though I finally was living life as god intended, it did not correct the problem that I had as a young man. And please forgive me for being blunt but at this point there is no way around it; my problem was simply, see a penis, suck a penis.

Like I was mesmerized or maybe hypnotized as a youth. I thought of it as some sort of illness, “what is wrong with me?” I knew I had to deal with this in therapy, especially if I wanted to be a real, and natural acting woman.

“So what’s been going on with you this week?” Todd asked as I entered his office and sat down.

“I went out with Antonio.” I said with a sigh trying to signal to him that this was going to be a tough session.

“Tell me about it Kendra.”

“I think I have mentioned this before but, my weakness, I can be strong in almost all situations but…” I said and then my voice trailed to an inaudible whisper. “Well, I hate being crude like this but, when I am presented with a, well, you know, a penis, I just lose control, and all of my will is out the window.”

“I think you said that has been going on for your whole life, right?” Todd asked as he leaned back in his chair.

“As far as I know since I was thirteen, well, since my first sexual encounter.”

“Andy.” He responded.

“Yep, our first time, well I think it started off as some sort of game, you know I will show you mine if you show me yours but we didn’t get to finish because as soon as he pulled down his pants I was lost. It was like my world had just opened up and swallowed me. I had have it, I was just lucky that he didn’t have a problem with me getting up close and personal.” I said and then paused for Todd’s reaction.

“What was going on at that point in your life? Tell me about school, your home life.” Todd questioned.

Oh was that man smooth. I noticed his perfect non-threatening smile and his relaxed tone and he had put me at ease with his composure.

“At school I was having trouble with gym class. I hated it, it represented everything that was wrong in my life. I knew it was going to be a problem right from the start. I mean, you know, me having a micro-penis and all. Kids are not kind to people that are different.”

“What kind of problems were you having?” Todd asked

“Well, the pubic hair, it had grown over my thingy and everyone in the shower noticed immediately that it looked like I didn’t have a penis, like I was a girl in the boys locker room. I got teased and harassed, even beat up, there was a little sexual harassment going on also. After about a month of that I decided to just shave off the hair and be done with it.”

“That was a pretty drastic move for a thirteen year old.” He said, urging me on.

“It was, I guess in some way I was sexualized early, being raped a couple years before.”

“It must have been difficult Kendra.”

“I am over it, I have dealt with that my whole life. I mean early on I had dreams of finding the guys that did it and killing them but I have come to terms with it.” I said as my voice cracked and I noticed tears coming to my eyes.”

“Well, it doesn’t look like you have completely put it behind you. We really didn’t talk about that much, what exactly happened?”

“Not much to tell really, I was late going to school, I think it was like an hour late so there were no other kids on the path. Basically it was time for the high school kids to walk to school. The path that everyone took lead through the woods, there was a creek on one side.” I continued and whipped away the tears on my cheek.

Todd used the break in the conversation to hand me a new box of tissues.

“There were two guys, probably seniors, one of them came up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder. At first I was scared, I was alone and I had already had a history of being beaten up and tortured at school so you can understand why. Anyway, the guy asked if I wanted to get high. Even at that age I knew what high was but I really didn’t know what that meant, or how people got high’”

I sighed and for a moment I felt like I was going to sob but instead I took a deep breath and forged on. “We exited the path and went into the woods. This is the part that made me hate myself so much, I was happy, I actually believed that I might be able to make my first friend and they were older boys so… Regardless, As soon as we got out of sight from the main path, the boy that had asked if I wanted to get high grabbed my shoulder again, very forcibly. His face had changed from friendly to hatred and anger. He ordered me to take my pants off and lay down.”

“I am sorry.” Todd said very sympathetically.

“You didn’t do anything doc, everyone has shit to deal with, I am not exempt. Even so, the boys took turns raping me for over an hour. They didn’t stop until they heard a noise that sounded as if someone was approaching, at that point they began to get dressed and I did the same thing. I prayed the whole time that no one would catch me like this- you know like I had done something wrong, like I was the bad guy.”

I noticed that I had stopped crying and was becoming aggravated. And the aggravation was showing itself by my angry tone. “After it was all over I decided against going to school, instead I went home to clean myself up. I remember sitting on the toilet, well that was the first time I dreamed of ways to kill those kids.”

“And how was that?”

“My parents, they taught my brother and I gun safety and how to shoot at a young age, they did everything right, they gave me a twenty-two rifle when I was eight. I thought about taking that with me and finding the kids that did this to me.” I gasped and took a moment to catch my breath. “But that wasn’t me…” I kind of chuckled. “I actually thought, they might have had a tough life, they might have had it worse than me. Yep, I was raped repeatedly for over an hour and I was looking for a reason to forgive them already. I was such a fool back then.”

“You are a special girl, I mean to be able to shoulder that all by yourself at such a young age and then find a way to forgive them.” Todd remarked before I continued.

“Who said I forgave them? I was looking for ways to forgive them yea, I never found one though.” I replied as I pushed the tissues away from me.

“Okay, then I have a question for you, what would you do if you saw those guys today, like if you left my office and you saw them in the lobby, what would you say, what would you do?”

I sat there contemplating my story and all my feelings leading up until this moment. I wanted to tell the truth, I wanted everything that I had said to be completely accurate and then I smiled when I knew for sure I had correct answer to his question.

“Honestly, I wouldn’t say anything to them. They mean so little in my life now that…well the best way I can describe those monsters would be, they are insignificant….like a dog that had bit me when I was a child, once the wound healed, once the pain was gone I realized that the dog was incapable of understanding the pain it had caused me, the dog was just a stupid dog that I didn’t need to spend one more second thinking about.”

#Todd #Past #Kendra #Rape