Understanding Kendra (Part 2 of 4)

“I have no idea why we are talking about this, I mean…”I snapped a little before I caught myself. “It isn’t like this caused my problem with men. I knew I was transgender long before I was raped.”

I felt bad about snapping at Todd. I think he has quite literally saved my life a half dozen times and besides I was still getting over that little crush I had on him.

“Being transgender would not be the cause of your self-control issues. Did you feel compelled to perform before the rape?” Todd asked.

“Yes I did, I mean...” I began and then paused to think about what I was saying, “I mean I think I did, wait, I don’t remember.” I answered and then stopped as I began to feel a little uncomfortable.

I am sure he could tell I was beginning to get a little uncomfortable with the topic and he quickly switched it up. “What else was going on around that time?”

“Just the stupid church thing, I was too young to be so attentive but I was. And after I heard the preacher’s sermon on the evils of homosexuality I was always paying attention, I kept thinking maybe I was okay on a technicality and I always prayed, always cried. I begged God, why did he make such a mistake with me.” And once again I reached for the tissues. “Fucking estrogen.” I groaned

“Well now we have to figure out how you overcame all of that; and you did overcome a lot.” Todd remarked. I noticed he was not making eye contact while I cried and I thought that was the most amazingly sweet thing anyone could have done for me at that time.

“Overcome? I wouldn’t say I ever overcame anything. I never forgave those guys, I got over it, realized I had a long life ahead of me, fuck em’ you know. As for church, it is still going on. It is the reason I haven’t told my mom. I struggle with it every day as in trying to understand myself. My whole life I thought of myself as a straight woman and well…” I replied and realized I was running on at the mouth; I took a deep breath and made a conscious attempt to slow down. “I always thought of myself as a straight woman even as the church told me I was going to hell and I was gay.”

“And if you were gay?”

“To me it doesn’t matter, it is just a term, it means nothing to anyone other than myself. I know now that the bible, Jesus, the New Testament says nothing about transgender people or gay for that matter. I know they are preaching the wrong message but it doesn’t matter, the damage was already done with my mom.”

Todd chuckled a little and finally made eye contact with me again, “See, you overcame it, everything you said to me tells me you have overcame it.”

I thought it was funny that as he said it, it started to sink in and at the same time the room got quiet. I am not talking a momentary pause, it was a long drawn out silence while Todd let what he said sink in, I drifted off in thought. “…But that still doesn’t solve my problem, why am I so freaking mesmerized by the male anatomy?”

“I would like to give you an answer, some quick fix but you are the only one that can figure that out. I think we can stop for now and we can pick back up here next week.” He answered as I put my purse over my shoulder.

“Maybe I am the one that has to figure it out but you are the one that has to hear all about it.” I responded and waited for Todd open the door.

I thought about that session more than I had thought about all of the others combined. It was emotionally draining, actually devastating.

Still, I thought as I understood myself a little better then maybe, just maybe I would be able to control myself a little better. It is funny how things work out, I did not need to wait long before I had the chance to test my theory.

“Hey baby, where have you been?” Antonio said as soon as he noticed me coming into the store.

“Busy, really busy lately.” I replied as I walked passed him.

“I missed you sweetie.” He remarked as soon as he realized I was not going to stop for him.

“You had my number you know.” I said and continued off into the store leaving him behind.

I was proud of myself, I didn’t cave, I wasn’t mean but I wasn’t submissive either. I gathered what I needed and checked out but as I walked out the door I noticed Antonio there waiting for me. “What have you been up to?” He asked as he followed close behind.

“You know, work, friends, dancing, same old stuff.”

“I did miss you baby, why don’t you call me after work, we can hook up.”

“It is going to be a late night for me, there is no way, maybe you can call me tomorrow, we will see.” I responded knowing full well I would ignore his call.

After I put the groceries in my car Antonio motioned for me to let him in and here…here is where I faltered. “Just for a minute, I cannot be late getting back to work.”

“Yea, yea, just a minute.”

As soon as I let him in he was on me, it was a bit different this time though, this time he kissed my neck tenderly, kissed me passionately and then moved down to my breasts. “Oh baby you are getting big.”

Right, like that would work but it did get me thinking, “I could do worse, he is very cute.” Still, I was able to push him away, “I have to go, really.”

And then he took my hand and guided it down to his groin while at the same time kissing me tenderly on the lips and it was at that point I realized…

Understanding myself a little better meant nothing, I still had zero self-control.

#Kendra #Antonio #Todd #Relationships #therapy