Understanding Kendra (Part 3 of 4)

Todd, Oh Todd; you think you know me but you don’t…

At the end of the previous session I was totally and utterly emotionally devastated. I had put my rape behind me, and at some points I think I had forgotten what my attackers looked like and now…now I began to dream about them again.

My therapist, Todd, actually said he thinks we could cut back on our weekly sessions but there were a few reasons I thought it might not be a good idea. First and foremost I was still struggling with certain issues as in, other gender identifying people, people other than transgender.

The second issue that I knew could become a big problem for me was my shopping addiction. While Kimberly was telling me she understood, after all I was rebuilding my wardrobe from scratch, I was the only one that actually knew how much money I was spending.

Thirdly, I had realized (between sessions) my see a penis, suck a penis had not been solved by my recent revelations and I knew that could be a problem if somehow people talked.

Not to mention my still, full in force crush on Todd. Yes I know it was never going to be possible but there was something very comforting about seeing him every week.

“Do you have feelings for Antonio?” Todd asked I sat down in his office and placed my purse down on the floor close to me.

I chuckled, “Of course not. Honestly I think the only reason I am giving him any attention at all is because I had shut down that part of my life completely. Now I want to experience it all and quickly.” I answered

“Why do you think that is? I mean why do you need everything done so quickly?” He volleyed, I noticed him smiling as if in some way he knew what I was going to say.

“I feel old sometimes; and I know how difficult transgender dating can be, sometimes I worry that no one will want a passed her prime woman trying to find herself.” I began and took a second to gather my thoughts. “Like if I have the surgery, would I die a virgin?”

“You aren’t that old and…” He began. I noticed he took a second to think about what he was going to say before he continued. “And you are a very attractive woman.”

Wow, just wow. Like I didn’t have a dozen other problems I was dealing with here, now I had that man-crush escalate ten-fold. Still, I didn’t even have a chance to form a little fantasy in my head before the good doctor continued.

“To clarify, people can find another person attractive and not act on it, they can be complimentary and kind.” He said as my mind out a mental sigh. “It’s the same thing I have been dwelling on; Kimberly has someone waiting in the wings; my son has someone; my daughter has one, Marcie and Jamie has someone, I have no one that feels that way about me and it scares me.”

“Kim loves you right?” Todd asked.

“Not in that way, she doesn’t even want to see my breasts.” I said playfully sticking them out. “I have these amazing things that I had always dreamed of having and I don’t have anyone to share that with. I basically went from flat chested to a B cup in 8 months and she won’t touch them. She may love me but she loves me more like a friend. I mean, she has said she was straight at least a hundred times to me over the past year.”

“For now, I think you are fine Kendra. I do not think you are out of control to the point you will do something dangerous. For now, I think you can just relax and have a little fun but keep in mind it is you that is ultimately responsible for you.”

“Yea, leave a preteen girl in puberty in charge of babysitting another preteen girl, that’s always a smart idea.” I thought all the while biting my tongue. “Kind of like giving a teen a credit card with a high limit on it and ask her not to go shopping for clothes.” I stated, picked up my purse and began to go through it looking for a mint.

“How bad is it, you know, the shopping?” He asked.

“Not bad yet but sometimes I worry I will just say fuck it and charge it up. It is like I keep buying until I find something right for me. I have a hundred different brands of lipstick but once I found the one for me I stopped. I do have good news though, I found a style of top I like, maybe if I buy a bunch of the same style I will be set for a while.” I responded sarcastically before I caught myself and took it down a notch. “I guess it is like the rest of my problems, I just have to keep an eye on it.”

“Are you planning on going to Capital Pride Saturday?” He asked as he noticed our time winding down.

“No, not Saturday, everyone seems to be spending time with their fathers that day, even though Father’s Day is a week away. So Marcie, Jamie and Kimberly and I are going to go to the festival on Sunday. I think Saturday I am just going to stay home for a change and maybe do some laundry, god knows I need do some responsible things…for a change.”

#Relationships #Kimberly #Marcie #Jamie #Todd