Understanding Kendra (Part 4 of 4)

I remember thinking, why do they want me to go to therapy when I begin therapy? I know what I want, I know who I am and it is just a big waste of time. What would a therapist tell me that I didn’t already know; I mean I always gave myself credit for self-analyzing myself.

That was then, this is now, or now in where I am in my story.

I wake up dancing, with a smile on my face. I have friends that love me, family that supports me and still by Thursday I start to feel a little lost. I start to remember I am always the third wheel, always the girl with no boyfriend and I find myself with a little less jazz in my steps.

Thank god for Friday; no not in the way most say that. I see Todd and spill my guts to him about everything from the distant past to what was happening at that very moment in my life.

Todd was my drug and my ultimate addiction.

“How was your week Kendra?”

“Well, Capital Pride was nice but I didn’t see you are the guys there.” I responded as I took my seat. I think he could hear a little frustration in my voice after all a big part of the reason I even went to Capital Pride was seeing all the guys here at Whitman walker. Still I really did not stick around long enough long enough to run into anyone.

“I didn’t get there until late but it is good that you made it.” He said as he sat down behind his desk.

“It was fun, at least while I was there but on the way here I was thinking about our last session, actually thinking a lot about my past. The old saying you are what your past makes you.”

“Oh yea, why do you think that?” Todd asked trying to provoke a conversation.

“Same old things; I know that I am going to be okay and I know that I won’t always be alone but, why I do what I do. I actually thought about my first boyfriend, haven’t done that in a real long time.” I said and immediately realized that I did NOT want to have this conversation with Todd. I mean, after last week’s rather graphic talk I wanted a break but I put it out there and decided to go with the flow.

“How do you think that he shaped you into who you are today?” Todd said as he made eye contact.

“Well to start off with we were way too young to have started that type of relationship, we were thirteen and we sort of just fell into it. Well, honestly I am the one that started it and it shaped both our sex lives for the next two years.”

“And how was that?” Todd responded, all the while maintaining eye contact.

“I just put myself out there for his pleasure. I was just happy to have found someone that would let me experiment with. Honestly I do not think he was gay, heck even bisexual; he was horny and willing to do anything.” I answered and took a deep breath before I continued. “I met him years later, he was married and happy. I found it a little upsetting though when he hardly even acknowledged me…you know?”

Todd chuckled a bit, “But that really didn’t explain why you believed how that relationship shaped you for the future.”

“We were together for three years and by the end I thought that was what I was there for, someone else’s pleasure. He always made me feel like a girl, even though at that point I still had no idea of what a girl was supposed to be in a sexual situation. You know?”

Todd nodded but did his patented thing where he remained silent to force me to continue.

“And when we finally broke up I was devastated. I was actually already in a relationship with my first girlfriend at the time and I realized it was going to destroy that also. I couldn’t be there for her, fight for her or even get to know her because I was crushed. Even worse I had no way of discussing my pain with her, I had to keep my secret from everyone.”

“So that ended pretty quickly then? Todd asked

“It did, yes and that started a long pattern of relationships. I would find guy that I would like and love him for his body and find a girl I could get along with so I could show her to the public. It just added to my double life.” I spewed and then momentarily took a moment to catch my breath. “I kind of think it’s funny that, that was the reason my friends thought I was a player.”

“So basically you were always in a rush to find someone?”

“Always, yes. The women would not stick around long because they would quickly find out that I was sort of a non-interested, selfish sort of lover. Pair that with my small penis and you have a recipe for disaster.”

“And then you came to the conclusion that, that is the reason you have the see a penis, suck a penis condition?” He responded.

It was just like he took a sack of rocks and hit me upside the head. Even though all this had been on my mind since our last session I didn’t see that the answer was right there all along. “Oh my god, I am always rushing, always in a hurry.”

Without saying much, I am amazed out how Todd was always able to let me find the solution to my problems, all on my own.

Therapy was a drug and I was addicted. I left the office dancing and continued all the way home.

#therapy #Kendra #Todd #Relationships