The End of the World (Part 1 of 3)

Honestly, in the beginning, as I struggled to begin my life as a woman, I started believing I was invincible, well socially speaking anyway. I never had a bad word said to me (minus the infamous 7-11 fiasco) and I was finding people wanted to know me; the people that liked me began to love me and the people that loved me found a whole new dimension to me and our relationship.

The world accepted me; well the part of the world that knew anyway. My brother was coming around (for the most part.) My friends stood beside me; my work embraced me…see invincible.

Still there was one thing lingering on my mind, one thing that was beginning to haunt me at nights, I had not yet told my mother that she had a daughter.

Remember many, many blog entries ago, back when I said I would never come out to my family and most certainly not come out at work? Well I am here to tell you that is not the hill you want to climb.

I found myself calling my mother much less often. My life had changed so drastically that it was becoming challenging just to keep all my lies straight.

Our bi-monthly family dinners were disappearing; I always managed to find an excuse to cancel, well most of the time anyway.

Mother’s Day 2016; I was not going to ignore her because of my problems.

“Kenny, thank you for taking me to Cracker Barrel, you always know the right thing to get me.” My mother Ruth said as we checked in at the desk.

I found myself wincing as she called me my dead name but I knew that it wasn’t her fault, it was mine, so I pushed through it. “No problem mom, happy birthday.” I said and then hugged her. I was extremely happy; I had not seen my mother in months.

Still after they called our names and brought us to our table, my mother had questions. “What is with all the rings?” She asked when she noticed I had three of them on each hand. “Oh Kenny, you aren’t the son I raised.” She sighed.

“You are wrong about that Ruth, he… is the same exact person you raised.” Kimberly said but hesitated as she said he. It almost made me cry to see her support.

My mom didn’t surprise me at all; in fact I always envisioned how she would respond if I told her I was transgender. “Oh Kenny, I always thought you would be in heaven with me, “sigh” I guess not.”

And yet, after our Mother’s Day dinner was over and we were on the way home, I had a revelation and a proclamation to make. “I have to tell her; there is no way around it, it’s got to be done.”

Even before that dinner, somewhere deep down, I knew it was heading in that direction. I had already given away most of my male clothes, keeping on a Miami Dolphins jersey so she had seen me with my long red hair, long dangling earrings, women’s tennis shoes and jeans. In fact minus the makeup, I was still shocked that she had not figured it out by that time.

Right there, right then I began to pull off my jersey. Yep, I had brought a shirt with me to change after dinner was over. I didn’t care I was topless, I didn’t care who saw me as we drove down the street.

“What are you doing?” Kim asked when she saw me undressing.

“I want to vomit; I feel so phony, so fake. I don’t…” I began and the broke down and sobbed. “I don’t want to do this anymore, I have to tell her.”

Kimberly took my hand as she continued to drive us home. “I know baby, it will be fine, you are her daughter, she is going to love you no matter what.”

#Kimberly #Ruth #Family #Comingout