Just Stop It … Really…

So I went from a man waiting to die to a girl ready to party, I am guessing the average reader has already figured that out but what you might not know, there is a bit more to Kendra.

I used to tease my son about having a heart as large as the moon…yea, what-a-dad. Anyway, at the time, I had already decided that I didn’t have long to live and in some way I wanted to prepare him for a tough life; Brendan, people will screw you- they will take your heart out of your chest and rip it to shreds as you watch.

What I failed to tell him, something that I had forgotten many years before, my heart, my love was just like his is, many years prior.

Kenneth may not have remembered and have put it all behind him but Kendra remembers.

I am a friend and I care, probably way more than I should, still, I can usually put things into perspective.

Since I began transition in June of 2015 four childhood friends have reached out to me. “Hey, did you used to be Kenneth, from Laurel?”

“I did, yes, how have you been?”

“Great, we need to get together one day, remember back in the day?”

“Of course I think that would be great!”

“Hey, Kendra…is it? Anyway I got some questions for you… (Insert any questions from the FAQ section of this website)

“Sure ask anything…. (Faithfully answering questions)

“Cool, cool, catch up with you later, don’t be a stranger.”

And then they are gone as quick as they came back into my life. It is okay, trust me, a proud trans girl that is dancing her way through life really does not need to rehash the past but still it’s somewhat a curiosity.

But there was an odd kind of reconnection that did not fit that model. Michael…yeah Mike, I am talking about you!

Mike was a Washington D.C police officer and he was retiring. Wow, twenty years of service, honorable, respected and very heroic. There was nothing that was going to keep me away from a guy that I had known as a child that had sacrificed so much.

Awesome, I had not seen him in several decades and I had never been to the part of town his party was in and I did not know anyone there but this who I was.

“Wow, I cannot believe you made it. That took a lot of bravery.” Mike said as I extended his hand to greet me.

I shrugged his comment off, I felt, well awkward and then made a move to shake his hand.

“Fuck that, bring it in.” He said as he grabbed me and gave me a bear hug.

The entire hour that I sat there at his party, with people that I did not know, I got to hear him brag about how awesome, how brave I was for going all the way out to the deepest heart of the district, alone, to see him.

I continually tried to explain to him, I had been living as a woman, dressing like a woman for over a year, wherever I went, it was no big deal; he was the heroic person, he was the person people should be looking up to.

The more we chatted, the more uncomfortable I began to feel. Eventually I had to say my good-byes and leave him to his friends.

Oh and it did not stop there; he called me the following night and began what ended up a long list of personal questions accompanied by some very graphic comments.

“So you never liked pussy? Never? I hate you, you fucked all those women and it meant nothing to you?”

“Stop it Mike, we were friends! Look at what you sacrificed for public service.” I replied

“So tell me, how do you have sex with men? Fuck, you are so brave, I love you man.”

We talked until sunrise and the very next week, we repeated, almost word for word, this very conversation. And when Sunday came, he had unfriended me on Facebook.

So you would think that would be the most awkward experience I have had to date and you would think wrong.

So, my heart is as big as… well my son’s and when I recall the time I had given up on life, at a time I seriously contemplated putting a bullet in my head, it begins to weigh heavily on my heart and I want to do anything I can to help.

It is the reason I reached out to the College Park mayor. It is the reason I met with him on a couple of occasions. I also met with one of the nicest councilmen our city has to offer; so awesome that he went out of his way to appointment me to the Education Advisory Committee.

The new me was begging EVERYONE to let me in, let me help.

And then I get emails from people ranging from, “Fuck you faggot, you are just a clown in a clown suit.” All the way to the way Mike worded it, “You are my hero; you have done so much for this community.”

Well stop it, really…

I am no hero and to put this whole thing into perspective let me tell you, whatever I do, for whomever I do it for, I am repaying my debt to God. He saved me from a gunshot wound to the head, I wasted the life he gave me on the couch with nothing but a hate-filled heart to accompany me; I was a failure as a husband. And since I am on the subject let me say this; while failing as a husband, while ignoring my fellow man, while being spiteful, resentful, God gave to me…

A wife that stood by me through it all

A daughter that has loved me no matter what

A son that still, to this day worships me

A childhood friend that would follow me into the bowls of hell

A house; a Camaro; Two brand new best friends, sisters if you may, that saved my life more times than I care to count.

And I do not deserve it. I am an ass, I am a selfish-coward and for some messed up reason God gave me everything and asked for nothing in return.

So I do, I try to help when I can, give the shirt off my back if it is needed because, and this is the important part really, there are more deserving people out there than me.

Beautiful people that have lost it all. Why me? Why the fuck me?

So I find myself in local politics, so I proudly proclaim I am transgender even when I do not need to, so I write in hopes someone will put down the gun they have at their temple… So the fuck what.

If you care about what I am trying to do, even in the slightest, please no more complimentary emails…I am as heart-felt and as honest as I can; you are the hero, put the fucking gun down and live…dance…love. If a selfish-coward ass can do it, you can too.

Shew, that’s messed up but hopefully I got my point across.

Need a recap?

Feel free to send me an email saying I am not as feminine as a transgender girl should be and go ahead tell me that I am just a clown in a clown suit; I accept that as pennants for my many sins. But as far as the “You are awesome, you are my hero…”

Well…

Just Stop It … Really…

#Kimberly #Tony #Brendan #Miranda #Marcie #Jamie