The End of the World (Part 2 of 3)

So I had reached my breaking point; every time I spoke to my mother, every time I went to visit I felt so phony, I felt like I was deceiving her. I think it was oddly funny that just a couple of months before I had sworn to myself I would never, ever come out at work or to my mother. Now the only person that did not know was my mother.

Don’t get me wrong, I was absolutely sure had an idea and I actually had attempted to tell her on several occasions but the conversations were short and usually snuffed out quickly by my mother.

“I don’t know what’s with you and your hair and those earrings. You are starting to look like a hippie.” She would say.

“Really? Hippie mom? Well if you are curious I can tell you, do you want to know?” I replied to her inquiry with a question.

“No, no I don’t.” Was always her go-to, standard response.

And then came my therapy session immediately after having dinner with my mom.

“I just don’t know what I should do or how I could even bring up the subject with her.” I said to Todd. “Honestly it is killing me.”

“I know it is stressful Kendra, but it does look like you are going to tell her, I would guess it would be sorta like pulling a Band-Aid.

See, I was actually looking for reassurance. I had thought back to the time before I came out at work and how we had sort of this same exact conversation about my conservative co-worker; how he kept telling me, “I think you are selling him a little bit short, I think he considers you his friend…I think, in the end, he will support you.”

But he offered no reassurance, nothing, nadda. In fact any time this subject came up the closest thing he came to reassurance was, “It might take some time.”

“Everyone tells me I should tell her. I am not afraid to its just that I feel sort of like I am Schrodinger's cat as in she neither knows or doesn’t know. Right now, as disgusting as I felt about lying to my own mother, as long as she doesn’t know, I can pretend, I can be her son for an hour every couple of weeks but as soon as she knew the pretending would stop; if she did not love me for who I was then I wouldn’t be able to accept her for who she was.” I said.

“It is something you will have to decide all on your own, I cannot tell you one way or another.” Todd replied.

I think he could tell I was a bit frustrated with his answer. “Yea, I get it, it’s all up to me.” I said and then sighed. “So basically, I am going to continue the status quo. She doesn’t know so I don’t know for sure that she will reject me.”

“That is something you will have to come to terms with on your own. Sorry…”

So I knew what my decision was as soon as I left therapy. I would hold off telling my mother for as long as I could.

And Friday, the day of my therapy session, was also the day I always called my mom. And actually after the decisive conclusion that I had reached, I was not in a mood to call her. “Hey mom, how are you doing?” I asked as soon as she answered the phone.

“I am good. How was therapy? Are you happy yet?” She asked.

“I have been happy for a year mom; I stopped being depressed sometime last summer.” I replied.

“So you are almost done with therapy then? I would guess if you aren’t depressed…” She began.

“I have a lot of other issues I am dealing with so I don’t think I will be done for a while. It’s sad but it’s the truth.”

“Like what? What issues are you having?”

“It has to do with, you know, the way….” I began but then paused as I realized how close I was to telling her all of my secrets.

“Go on.” She said trying to coax more information out of me.

I immediately felt the butterflies start to churn in my stomach when I started to recall how deeply religious and conservative my mom was. “Do you really want to know?” I asked, kind of hoping for her standard response.

“Yes I do Kenny.” She responded.

Oh that was new and kind of scary to boot. And for a moment I opened my mouth but no words came out. “Are you really sure you want to know?”

“Yes Kenny, I do.”

At that point I decided to take it slow; give her a chance to stop me at any point. “Well it has to do with the way I dress mom, you know…You have noticed it lately.”

“Go on, Kenny.” She responded, not showing any signs of wanting me to stop.”

And against my better judgement I took a deep breath and just blurted it out. “I am transgender mom. I have always known. I am sorry.” I said just before I began to sob. “I am so sorry.” I cried.

Yes I apologized for being myself, I apologized for disappointing her, for lying to her, and I apologized for being transgender. As soon as I realized what I was doing, what I was saying I felt as if I was going to vomit.

She said nothing as I cried, nothing as I begged for her forgiveness but instead, just listened to me cry as she thought about what she was going to say next.

“Well Kenny…I will always love you.” She finally spoke.

“It’s Kendra, Miranda and Brendan named me.” I responded.

“I have to go… We are on our way to church.” She said in a matter-of-fact tone. “I will talk to you later.”

She spoke wit no emotion instead she spoke in a cold hard tone, no questions and no comments.

“Well Kenny… I will always love you, you are my son.”

I should have been relieved, I mean finally after all of these years I had no secrets left, everyone that meant anything to me at all were aware of my transgender status however, I realized that her words did not match the tone in her voice. Even more concerning to me was how she kept repeating Kenny and how she emphasized the word SON.

Still, I knew it must have crushed her; I knew that she deserved time to process the bomb that I had just dropped on her. “Thanks mom. I love you too.” I replied and realized that I was still crying.

And nothing else was said, all that was left was the sound of her hanging up the phone.

Yep, I had a lot of mixed emotions; I was relieved, I was sad, I was disgusted with myself for begging for her forgiveness for simply being me but, I did realize something very ominous about that melting pot of emotions I was experiencing… I was not happy. I was just Kendra, sitting in my car alone crying.

#Todd #Ruth #Kendra #Depression #Comingout #therapy