No tags yet.
Sometimes you just need your sister; even more than your mother, your kids, your wife. I found myself in that position in a bad way. You see I felt lost. My emotions seemed to be going in all kinds of different directions and as much as I would have liked to, I could not sort them out by myself.
Keith was fun. I seemed to be getting flutters just from the thought of having a “boyfriend.” And even though we had not had the relationship talk, Keith had already started asking about “What are we, a thing or a fling?”
Yea, yea, I always answered the same way. “We are having fun.”
I also found myself saying the same thing every single time Keith spent the night, “Oh Keith, you make me feel so….normal.”
Still the first chance I had I made arrangements to meet up with Marcie and Jamie for dinner in Alexandria. I had no idea that when she would open the door for me I would hug her so tight, so hard that I nearly knocked her off her feet. “I missed you so much.” I said as she giggled as she tried to keep her footing.
“Okay here is the thing, I like Keith.” I said as she led me to her couch as I spoke. “But I don’t know; I need advice.”
“Okay Kendra.” She sighed as we sat down and made ourselves comfortable.
“The plusses and minuses; I feel so normal when I am with him and to be honest I am not sure until this point, I have ever felt that way.”
“But there is no rush.” She said, encouraging me to continue.
“And I know that he will make me more feminine, he really doesn’t have a problem telling me when I am less than ladylike…you know when my voice drops too low, when I forget to sit the right way…you know all the stuff.” I responded.
“Uh-huh.”
See the thing about Marcie is, it is obvious that she cares. She maintains eye contact, she will hold your hand, lay her head on my shoulder…you know she is real. Okay, on the other end of that spectrum is that it sucks too. It makes me feel, makes me care and truth be told, there are times when I have some confusing feelings. You know, I have to remind myself, “Kendra, you are straight, Kendra, she loves Jamie, Kendra, and SHE IS YOUR FUCKING SISTER.”
Anyway, “But I am not really sure that I trust him.” I continued. “He asked me to text him before I call and he says some of the things I used to say when I pretended to be a man, you know, before I had access to estrogen.”
Marcie nodded but didn’t really give any verbal clues to as what she was thinking.
“And sometimes he goes a bit too far reminding me of the things I need to be reminded of; he actually criticized my hands, really? Really?” I said and paused long enough to get the rest of my thoughts together, “I actually told him not to do that, I said, why bother mentioning my hands when there is NOTHING I could do about that, ever…”
“I know, that is taking it a little too far...” she replied, “and your hands are not that big.”
“Right…But now every time I get ready I am looking at my hands and thinking are they the hands of a monster? I mean geez.”
“Kendra, would you like something to drink? Tea maybe?” Jamie yelled from the kitchen.
“Tea would be nice.”
“We were thinking about getting something at Lost Dog, they really do have good sandwiches.” Marcie said as she squeezed my hand tighter.
“Every time I hear the name of that café I have to think, not a good name for a restaurant” I laugh, “but yea, that sounds fine.”
Marcie released my hand and stood up but didn’t immediately walk away. “So what are you going to do about Keith?”
“Well, he is spending the night tonight. I just hope he doesn’t want me to answer his question anytime soon.” I responded
“What question?”
“Are we a thing or a fling? I mean he is hot, and man is he built. For now though, I just want to have fun; really not sure if he can handle me avoiding that question for very long.”
It wasn’t as if I thought Marcie had the magic answer to all my questions but sometimes I kind of think she does; and even though I sometimes wonder why I vent all over her and Jamie, if I take a moment to really self-reflect, I realize that all these emotions and feelings are new to me. Just like the doctor had told me months earlier “Welcome to puberty Kendra.”
So I sip my tea and talk and Marcie is there for me. We finish getting dressed and head out the door for dinner and then Jamie joins in the conversation.
Na, I didn’t need my friends, my sisters to answer the important questions hanging over my head and I didn’t need them for dinner or even the glass of wine after. I needed them for who they were, for the tight grasp my bestest friend in the world had on my hand that paired beautifully with the tight grip they both had on my heart.
Basically I needed them to be them and… that was exactly what they were.
