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And then came our third date; it began with a late night dinner Friday night after I got off of work and it ended on Monday after I dropped him off at the metro.
Yes he spent the weekend with me, what of it? Give a girl puberty, her own house and mix it in with decades of repression and see where that leads… okay…
The most memorable part of Friday was lying in bed with him “after”, slowing alternating between messaging his biceps and his chest. “Keith, you make me so…” I said and then gasped with some sort of pre-orgasmic delight before I continued, “normal.”
He turned his head to face me and gently kissed me on my lips.
“I am going to a wine tasting with friends tomorrow, do you want to come?” I asked as I noticed him dozing off next to me.
“Sure Kendra, whatever you want.” He responded and then yawned. “I think I am in trouble.”
Even though the room was shrouded in darkness I smiled and thought this was all I ever wanted. “Why are you in trouble?” I said playfully.
“You are going to break my heart one day.” He said as he pulled me in tight.
“That’s silly, why would you say that?” I asked
“I just know…” and with that said he fell fast to sleep.
For the next couple of hours I just laid in his arms, cherishing his body with my hands while I thought about what he said. Honestly I was not proud of the things that I figured out.
No I did not have any intentions of “breaking his heart” but there were some lingering doubts about where I should go from there.
“What the fuck is wrong with me? Keith was a handsome, caring man and after just 3 dates I was already debating my future. Sure there were some “bad signs” most importantly his rule about texting before I called. “Yea bitch, I remember playing those games as a teen, you may want to try that on a teenager on her first date.
But when I sat back and tried to examine my life on a more unbiased note I thought about how hard it can be for a transgender girl to find a nice, straight gentleman and I found myself lucky enough to have one in my arms.
“I am going to have to keep this fun, for now; otherwise I will say something I will regret.” I thought as I noticed the sun was coming up. “Oh my god, I have to wake up for the wine tasting in three hours and I have not slept since the previous day…and worse Keith was snoring it up next to me.” I thought.
I grabbed a pillow and slowly climbed out of bed and moved to the couch in the living room. “The things you do for love…” Yes, I thought that, didn’t mean it but I DID think it; and for the next hour or so I dreamed of having a normal life before I finally dozed off.
“Kendra, do you want a cup of coffee?” I heard a voice say through the haze of incomplete sleep.
“Huh, what?” I groaned as I tried to open my eyes.
Keith was standing over me with two cups of coffee, looking exactly like the handsome man I had left just hours before. “Coffee.” He responded as he sat the cup down on the coffee table.
He sat down next to me and tried to give me a kiss. First let me say, as romantic as the gesture might seem, for me, I was still a self-doubting, self-conscious, transgender mess. All I could think of was my hair being swooped back into a tangled storm, exposing my gigantic forehead and how his kiss will meet with my 5 o’clock shadow sandpaper. “No.” I said as I pushed him away and then making a mad dash for the bathroom.
That kind of forced me to conclude it wasn’t Keith that was messed up, it was me. (I know I should have realized that months ago) Still, I felt bad for him.
As I looked at myself in the mirror and ran my hand across my face I realized that most of my problem was an overactive imagination so I quickly brushed my teeth and returned to Keith.
“Sorry, when I have to go, I have to go.” I said just before he grabbed my hand and pulled me into his lap.
“What?” I said with a chuckle.
“Nothing…” He said and then gave me a gentle kiss.
“Are you okay?” I responded as soon as the kiss was over.
“Do think it would be possible if one day we just move to California, just the two of us, start over.” He said.
I laughed, “You are silly.”
“No, I am serious, not now, just one day.”
As soon as I realized he was trying to be serious, my mouth went on autopilot. “No, I would never leave Marcie.” I snapped before I was leaving a lot out, “or Jamie, or Kimberly or my kids.”
Do me a favor, if I ever say, “I would do anything to have a normal life with a normal straight man” slap me will you because that is a bold face lie.
And then I realized that on some level I hurt him as if I had already dismissed his far-fetched dream without giving it any thought, without playing along. (Which is what I actually did)
I pulled myself off of his lap and let him get up, I had guessed that he was no longer feeling lovingly playful. “Do we have time to stop at the store before we go to the wine tasting?” Keith asked as he stood up.
“Of course, whatever you want.” I answered.
As I watched him disappear into the kitchen I realized that yep, I had been really crushing on Keith but that stage was all but over. I liked him; lusted over him; loved him like a teenage girl but when I shined a very direct light on our, well whatever we were, I realized I had no idea what this was but, I also knew I didn’t want it to end.
