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Hey pop, I might as well get this over with because right from the start I knew this was going to crush me; yes I am going to cry like a baby but there are some things that I need to say to you that I never got the chance to say.
Dad, we were never alike, I know that you connected with Bryan because you shared the same likes, the same idea’s and I even though growing up I thought you just loved him more, it took me all this time before I realized that it couldn’t be further from the truth.
I get a bit of a chuckle now thinking about you and how confused you must have been about having me as your first born son; I mean you caught me playing with dolls more than once, you knew I liked to play with the girls more than boys (when I had the chance) And on top of that, there wasn’t a lot of information about being transgender back in those days.
And you had no one to talk to. You knew that if mom had found out that she would have wanted to put me in a reconditioning camp and try to “cure” me, you knew that at that age, Bryan would not have been able to keep that secret.
So instead, in your own way you found a way to leave me a message.
“I know who you are and it is okay.”
Dad, truthfully I had no idea what the fuck you were talking about but I am absolutely sure you knew that sooner or later I would figure it out.
Looking back now I realize what a horrible son I was. I couldn’t stay in school, I always got into trouble, staying out all night. I was rebellious and vicious. I thought you hated me; I thought that you loved my brother and couldn’t care less about me.
And because of that I grew distant and detached; I ran away, joined the Air Force, and surrounded myself with men things, trying to be a man’s man for you and that eventually you would be proud of me too; and then one day I came home. Dad, in all my life I have had only one regret.
The last time I saw you happy was the day after my four years in the Air Force was complete. It was a cool summer day and you had just finished clearing out the yard behind the house and proudly looked up at me when you noticed I was there. “Welcome home.” You said and gave me a hug. “I put a horseshoe pit in the back. I always wanted to do that, I finally did.”
Dad, I am sorry I was not grown up to notice how proud you were of me, how you showed me with your smile and with your gentle hug. I am sorry I pulled away from you, still pretending that I was a man. “I wanted to stop by and say hi but I can’t stay, I have to pick up Miranda before her mom comes home.”
It was one of my half-truths that I had learned to tell back when I was a miserable soul, living a life of lies and cover-ups. Yes pops, I needed to pick up my baby girl but a few minutes longer would not have changed a thing.
“Could you play a quick game with me?” he asked with a bit of disappointment in his eyes.
“Really, I can’t, I have to get going but we can play next week, I have nothing scheduled and we can spend the day together.”
Dad, I am so sorry; I have hated myself ever since I said those words. I had no idea that the very next week you would be diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and that I would never see you that happy and healthy again.
I am sorry that we never had a chance to play that game of horseshoes.
And even, as you lay dying in your bed you were only concerned about me, how many times did you tell me over the next 2 months that you love me and accept me for who I was? Even as I kissed you on your forehead responding with only an occasional “love ya too dad.”
I was a fucking coward and if I could right now I would get down on my knees and beg for your forgiveness. I know what you were trying to say and I dismissed it and because I was such a miserable human being, such a fraud, you never got the chance to say goodbye to your daughter.
Growing up I never realized how important you were to me; how you were really the only family member that I had that would have supported me to the bitter end. I hope, wherever you are, you know that I love you with all of my heart and I am forever and eternally sorry.
Signed apologetically and with love
Kendra Chelsea
