Dear Mom (Part 4 of 12)

I just wanted you to know that I know that you will never read this, you are not much of an internet person but I am writing this all the same.

Nothing in this letter is meant to be sarcastic or hurtful, it is being said from the heart so please keep that in mind as you read. I am very sorry for being the way I am. Until June of 2015 I had spent 50 years fighting it, denying it and wishing I was dead, I did it all so that you would not be disappointed in me; I cannot think of one other reason I continued on with my fraudulent life.

The last time I saw Bryan was at your house and he asked a very deserving question, “Wouldn’t it easier if you were just gay.” I can see how people would think that, assume that I had a choice in what I could be and how I lived my life. Unfortunately, contrary to what some religions say, it is most definitely not a choice.

If it were, I would have made a different choice. I would have been a man, who loved women and I would have done it for you, just so I could make sure that you would continue to love me, just so you wouldn’t lose face with the church.

And if that were absolutely impossible, I would have chosen to be gay, at least I could have kept my life hidden from you. I think in some ways I think that would have made things better for you. I honesty do not think you deserve that, you did so much to raise me the way you thought was right, you were a good mom.

But I am not gay and I am not a man. And the thing that bothers me the most is I felt as if you should have known. How many times as I was growing up did you find the girls clothes that I had stashed away? Who were my friends in the neighborhood? But yes, ultimately it was my fault for lying, hiding and being a deceitful little coward. (And for that I am also sorry)

I also know there is a grieving process; I understand that you lost your son and there is period of time that you need to grieve. I saw it with Kimberly, I saw it with the kids and I knew it would be that way for you too. However, please understand that I do not know that person you are grieving for and as much as I can understand your grief, I cannot feel the same way you do about it.

I do not have a connection with him, I don’t know him, and do not care to ever know him. All I know about him is what people tell me and I try to weigh that information with the fact that I also knew he was a liar and a master manipulator. So when people tell me how much they loved him, all I can do is think, why?

I love you mom; you gave birth to that boy and did your best to make him a man but I am not that boy and never was that man. My name is Kendra Chelsea, do you know me at all? Do you even care to know me?

Understand how hard I am trying. I have called dozens of times and texted with most going unanswered and then the last text I receive is telling me you’re ready for the lord to take you; that your life hasn’t turned out the way you had hoped.

And understand that you are telling someone this that is essentially a stranger. As much as I love you, with all of my heart, you did not raise me to be the woman I am today, as of today you do not seem to even care you have a daughter.

While the rest of my family has accepted me and have been there for me, you have been content just feeling jilted and cheated about losing your son. Now after 18 months, Kendra Chelsea has a deep connection with her son and her daughter. The sad part is, Kendra Chelsea is the most loving, happy and honest person you would ever encounter; Kendra Chelsea is a much better person that the son you lost. So you continue to grieve for what you have lost instead of celebrating what you have received. That is on you.

And as I grow from being an emotional equivalent of a girl into the woman I am becoming; some of the most important, life altering things are happening to me. When my journey is complete the question will no longer be about if you love me or not, if I love you or not; it then becomes about, do we even want to know each other?

You might be asking why I might even think that (I mean aside from all the things that I have listed) Well here is a pretty simple way to look at it…When I have GRS next October, will you be there? After major, life threatening surgery, will you want to know if your daughter is alive or dead? Will you even care?

See, if the answer to any of these questions was no, I couldn’t imagine thinking, “yea, that is a woman I want to know.”

Still, mom, I wanted to wish you a merry Christmas and I am so sorry for not being the man you always wanted.”

Signed with love and respect

Kendra Chelsea

#Ruth