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Hey Bud, it is that time of year that I wanted to take a minute and tell you and yours Merry Christmas. There was a couple of times that you sent out a family update about what has been going on with you over the past year and I have decided to do the same for you.
Oh my strange and wonderful Brother, you never fail to keep me guessing about the type of person you are.
Thirteen months ago I remember going to Florida for vacation and reserving a few days for you; it had been a very long time since we had seen each other. Those days would be one of the few days I had left that I would pretend and dressed like your brother. I was terrified when I thought about how you would react once you found out your brother was gone.
And yet, a little over a month later someone told you about me being transgender. I wish I knew exactly who blabbed and if I did, I would most certainly thank them. Just like the few times I spent with mom before she found out I felt, phony, felt like a liar and after it was all said in done being free was freeing and I have never been happier.
All that worrying was for nothing. I was so surprised that you took it so well; in fact it didn’t take you long before you posted a meme about your sister on Facebook.
Let me say that, that post made me cry. I don’t think I ever loved you as much as I did that day. See, it wasn’t just the fact you posted it, it was how you made me feel so stupid, so ignorant about my preconceptions of the type of person you are.
For example, after living for more than a year and a half as a woman I thought I had nailed down the type of person that would have a problem with a person that is transgender. In fact I thought you could tell just by the way they talked. I actually said it today in fact; an uneducated, ignorant, backwoods hick are really the only type of people that have to speak up when they see someone different.
I am ashamed to say that I prejudged you, I thought your past friends had converted you from a normal Marylander to a closed minded redneck. But when you posted that meme, wow, I thought boy I was wrong.
And then Mom found out and… well everything changed. I stopped getting any kind words from you, really for a while you cut me out completely. Yes, I chalked it up to you being supportive of mom that you, like me, thought mom didn’t deserve this and I made the conscious decision that I would not even mention how you made it so much worse, not just for me and you but for mom also.
But now it is close to the New Year and I have decided there is no use sitting on my feelings and lie by omission became one of my New Year’s resolutions.
Mom texted me a few days ago; she said that she is praying god takes her and that in the end her life is not what she expected. If you didn’t know now, let me tell you; that will never change. You can love her, call her, support her for the rest of her life she will be stuck wishing she was dead.
Do you want to know why? If I were to guess, it would be the fact her over-the-top, Christian husband has a problem with me. The number two reason would probably be the religious leaders she looks up to ignorantly and without reason thinks I am a sin. And finally it would be you.
When she found out that I was transgender she was desperately looking for someone, anyone in the family to say, yea mom (or grandmother) I understand, I get why you can’t get behind your daughter. At least not here, not in this area but she most definitely found one in Florida.
Now she has someone that understands, someone that seems to be in her corner. She doesn’t have to move past her over-the-top husband and her lying religious leaders to write me off. Sadly in doing so she has pushed Miranda and Brendan away. Now, because of the strength in her allies, she alone and surrounded herself with hatred.
I sincerely hope she moves to Florida to be with you so you can take care of her. I hate that she feels no love for her own daughter (regardless of what her texts say) She will depend on you, she will need you as the years continue. See, I love her more than any words I can put to paper and it is important to me that there is someone there for her as she gets older.
I have accepted the fact nothing will change; it can’t. But if one day, years from now, she reaches out to me I will be there.
But I am also a realist, she can count on you to have her back.
I love you Bryan, always will but there is nothing anyone can do to bring your dead brother back to life. And as sad as that is, as much as I wish that were not the truth, all I know and remember about him is, he was a liar, he was a phony and he had spent way too many decades thinking about dying.
I get that some of my family will never accept me, Kendra Chelsea, and it is okay…Stay true to yourself, forget SCIENCE because that will never sway your opinion. I am happy, I am well-adjusted and I have way too many friends (and family) that respect and love me to risk my life by allowing disrespect. (I know you don’t get that but to most it is obvious)
I am just too tired to explain to everyone why and how I am the way I am. It would be like a sighted man trying to explain the color blue to a life-long blind man. In other words, I understand now that it can’t be done.
Always remember, I love you and I wish only the best for you and your family during this Holiday Season.
Signed you very happy and loving sister
Kendra Chelsea
